Stuck in a Box for 31 Days
by Sourpatch-Devil
Summary: "Promise me once more that tomorrow you'll trap Kisuke Urahara in one of your barriers for a month," Soifon had said before firing her bankai. It happened two months later, alright, but Urahara and Hachi weren't prepared for what would happen. Crackfic.
1. Day 1: Sealing

Alright, new fanfiction. This story is based off of the deal Hachigen made with Soifon: trap Urahara in a barrier for a month. So, this is a story after the Winter War and what Urahara did in those thirty-one days. I'm not sure if this idea was used before, so if it was, I apologize, but I had this idea for a while now.

There are no OCs in this story. If you want to submit an idea, go for it, but do not include an OC.

I hope you enjoy.

I don't own Bleach.

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Stuck in a Box for 31 Days

Day One: Sealing

Hachigen Ushoda walked slowly toward a small shop in the distance. He squinted at the blurry words on the sign on top of the shop to check that he was in the right area. As he got closer, the bold words became clear: Urahara Shouten, they read. Hachigen smiled slightly. He was indeed in the right place. He started to walk faster at that notion; if he didn't do this now, Soifon-taicho would surely beat him to a pulp.

It was after the Winter War, and he still hadn't granted his promise to Soifon-taicho. "Promise me once more that tomorrow you'll trap Kisuke Urahara in one of your barriers for a month," she had said. It was already two months after the war was over. Everyone needed time to recover from injuries, and it took quite a while before he could get his arm back to normal. He would thank Unohana-taicho later. As of now, Soifon-taicho's expectations were much more important. Frankly, he was rather excited for this moment.

Stopping for a moment, he fished around in his pocket for the letter that Soifon had given him. He took it out, unfolded it gingerly, and peered at the neat handwriting. It read, "Although I am grateful for your help, I won't be completely happy until you complete your promise. That bastard deserves the punishment. After you seal him inside the barrier- you can decide what you want to do with the barrier- tell him that it's my revenge for humiliating me in front of Yoruichi-sama all those decades ago. The fact that he participated in the war doesn't mean anything to me. I will be checking on the thirtieth day to see that you have indeed accomplished what I wanted you to do."

Hachigen suppressed a shiver. She sounded so determined and ambitious. _Her feelings through her words transfer well over letters, _he mused, folding the letter and setting it back into his pocket. He continued walking toward the small shop, his feet crunching on the gravelly road. The door was closed, and he was thankful for that; he wanted to make a more formal appearance in order to prevent any extra suspicions. He reached the door and knocked lightly three times.

A young girl with black pigtails answered the door, looking up at Hachigen with mild interest. "What do you want?" she asked shyly.

"Is Kisuke Urahara here?" Hachigen asked. He peered over the young girl's head at the crowded shop. Boxes were stacked in one corner, numerous papers were tacked to the wall with indecipherable writing all over them, and no one was in sight. He was hoping to see his former taicho before he locked Urahara inside-

"Say, is that you, Hachigen?"

Speak of the devil. Hachigen looked up to see Tessai Tsukabishi come out from behind a door, his eyes hiding his excitement and his handlebar mustache concealing his smile. He dusted off his blue apron and waved at his former fukutaicho. Hachigen smiled slightly, seeing that his taicho hadn't changed very much, and stepped forward a bit. "Hello, Tsukabishi-taicho."

"It's just Tessai now." Tessai walked toward the door and patted the little girl's head. "Ururu, you can go help Jinta in the back now. I want to talk to my old friend here." Ururu scurried out of sight, and Tessai faced Hachigen once more. "So," he began, "you wanted to talk to the manager?"

"Yes," he replied, barely hiding his small smirk. "It's on the orders of Soifon-taicho."

"I thought I was your captain, Hachigen!"

"You still are, even if we aren't in Seireitei anymore. But," he said, lowering his voice to a whisper and leaning forward, "I made a deal with her during our fight with the Segunda Espada. In exchange for her firing her bankai to test one of my plans, I would have to trap Urahara-san in one of my barriers for a month. I'm here to do just that, but I can't let him know about it now or else he'll shunpo away to a place where I can't find him."

Tessai chuckled. "Alright. Come in! I'll lead you to where he's working." He motioned with his fingers, and the two quietly made their way through the boxes and shelves and whatever miscellaneous items throughout the room. The corners of Hachigen's mouth slowly curled upward as he saw the corner of Urahara's prized hat. Tessai poked his head into the room and called out, "Manager! Hachigen wants to see you."

Urahara raised his head, blinked a few times, and smiled. "Oh, Ushoda-san! Nice to see you again! Ururu was just here, telling me that someone with a pink mustache wanted to see me. I'm assuming that's you, and I welcome you! What is it that you have come here for?" He motioned toward a couch beside him. "Please, do sit down!"

Hachigen lowered himself down onto the worn-out couch, looking directly into Urahara's curious eyes. _Here we go. _He smiled, trying to be more casual and comfortable, and said, "I'm not here for a serious business. Well, to be frank, it kind of is serious for one person. I would like you to choose five items that you cannot live without. You cannot choose food or water."

Urahara tilted his head to the side, a confused look plastered onto his face. He didn't get what was with this sudden request. Why would he do that without a reason to do so? He looked at Hachigen and was about to ask why, but something about his expression made him compelled to do so. Maybe Hachi was a very convincing person. Whatever the reason, he didn't know…he just wandered mindlessly around the shop until he found his five random items, not taking the task very seriously.

His zanpakuto.

His bucket hat.

A phone.

One inflatable gigai.

A pillow.

After he had collected these items, he returned to where Hachigen was waiting with his arms full. Hachigen nodded approvingly and remarked, "I'm surprised you accepted. Either way, can you lead me to the back of the shop where no one can see us?"

This made Urahara more confused, but nevertheless, he nodded in return and led Hachigen to the back. After much swerving around items, they finally appeared outside on a small lawn. Urahara smiled at the sight; it was a pretty nice place, very clean and very comfortable. The weather was also nice, so the day could be called perfect…until he heard what Hachigen Ushoda had in store for him.

Hachigen stood behind Urahara calmly. "Turn around," he told him. "Just wait for ten seconds and something will appear." As Urahara turned with his back toward Hachigen in bewilderment, Hachi held his hands up, his palms facing Urahara's back. A red kido barrier about three meters tall, two meters wide, and four meters long started to form around Urahara, who realized it a second too late.

Urahara whirled around to face Hachigen, who had let out a long breath of satisfaction. He had finally done it. Soifon-taicho's wish was granted, Urahara was in the barrier, and now he had to wait thirty more days until he could free Urahara.

"What is this?" Urahara yelled.

Hachigen smiled. "It's a barrier, Urahara-san, but you already know that. I made a deal with Soifon-taicho, you see…you're going to be stuck in this barrier for thirty more days. It may seem unfair, but at least I'm nicer than she is. You should be glad that I let you choose some things before I locked you in here."

"You could have at least told me before you locked me in here," Urahara complained, carefully setting down his items on the grass. "You didn't allow me to bring food…do you expect me to starve to death?"

"If I told you before you grabbed your items, you would have escaped and it would've been harder to catch you."

"No, I simply would have accepted!" Urahara chirped. "I know that Soifon-chan would be very angry at me if I weren't stuck in a box!"

"Urahara-san, it is _not _a box," Hachigen replied, slightly offended. "It is a barrier! And I know you wouldn't have accepted because you sure aren't accepting it now! Anyway, let me explain this barrier. Others may enter and exit it, but you cannot, which means you can receive food from others. It is particularly strong on the inside, but not very strong on the outside, so you cannot escape."

A light bulb appeared over Urahara's head, and he smiled slyly.

"Speaking of which, I will create another barrier around this one that is stronger on the outside, so that other people will _not _help you break the barrier," Hachi continued with a stern glare, and another barrier appeared around the first one.

The light bulb withered away with the breeze that blew.

"Now, I will see you tomorrow. I'm expecting Soifon-taicho to come later this month. Meanwhile, have a good rest of the day stuck inside that box." He smiled, and disappeared into the store.

Urahara watched him go away and sighed. He sat down on the grass and cupped his chin with his hand. Now, how was he going to get out of here…_later, _he thought, stifling a yawn. He grabbed the pillow and set it against the walls of the barrier, then resting his head onto the small cushion. He rolled his eyes at the barrier that surrounded him and muttered,

"I didn't know someone like him could be so evil."

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If you have any ideas of what he should do or what happens to him, you could request it. I am in need of ideas anyway xD I do have some chapters planned, but requests are welcome.


	2. Day 2: Inedible Cooking, Anyone?

Thanks to ultima-owner and KuroiTori-sama for reviewing.

Thanks to all you guys! :D Here's the second chapter! Requests are welcome!

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Day Two: Inedible Cooking, Anyone?

Urahara snored gently, resting his head against the pillow, but something outside his senses woke him. He rubbed his baggy eyes and opened his mouth for a wide yawn. His head was about to fall on the pillow again, which was stuck onto the wall by a kido, but the noise prevented him from doing so. He sat up, wobbly from not being fully awake, and looked around with his eyes half-closed. No one was in sight until a large man with pink hair and a mustache suddenly appeared from the shop.

"Gah!" Startled by Hachigen's arrival, Urahara widened his rather bloodshot eyes and scurried backwards hastily, his hands and feet scrabbling desperately on the soft grass. Hachigen sighed and snapped once. The snap echoed in Urahara's ears and bounced around the barrier. He flinched and clapped his hands around his ears, but there was no point in doing so; in the next moment, his face, along with his arms and legs, were squashed awkwardly against the barrier, and he was as flat as a paper doll until he returned to his regular self with a comical _pop_. Rubbing his head with a groan, he cried, "What was that for?"

Hachigen chuckled and flicked his fingers, and the giant red fist positioned behind Urahara pulled back and disappeared into the wall. "Don't you realize that it is ten in the morning?" he reproached. "You should've been awake by at least six or seven. Tessai has been handling all the customers in the front."

Urahara shrugged nonchalantly and dusted off his hat, smiling slightly. "Of course Tessai has been handling the customers!" he chirped. "I'm stuck in a box, so what can I do? Didn't you think of that, Ushoda-san?"

"According to Tsukabishi-taicho, he has heard the phone ring at least ten times now. You should have woken up to the sounds of that. Everyone is aware that phones are extremely good alarm clocks for early in the morning."

"I was extremely tired and still am," Urahara grumbled. "I don't get why I didn't hear the phone when it was right beside me. Or…" He then unexpectedly glared at Hachigen, who stepped back a few steps- "Did you put a soundproof barrier around the phone so that I wouldn't hear it?"

"No," Hachigen replied irritably, making Urahara scramble back once more. "I didn't put a barrier around the phone. You would see the barrier if I did so. Now you have to wait until the phone rings again so I can prove my point."

"You could have used a light-bending kido," Urahara countered, determined to win the conversation.

"Why would I?"

"Because…" Sweat dropped from Urahara's head. He had run out of ideas, but then a spur-of-the-moment excuse popped welcomingly into his head. Grinning, he announced, "Because you're afraid that someone on my side will call me and try to get me out of this box!"

A vein on Hachigen's forehead pulsed, but on the other side he had a large sweat drop. "First of all, it is _not _a box!" he growled, showing anger at the insult of his barrier. "Second of all…that's a ridiculous excuse." Explains the sweat drop, no? "You could try and get Ichigo Kurosaki to get you out, or maybe Yamamoto-soutaicho could use his shikai and burn the barrier, but I doubt that both of them are willing to set you free. As for Kurosaki, you've done enough to him; nearly killing him with all your exercises, scaring him out of his mind, and others. I am sure that he will enjoy the fact that you are being trapped inside a _barrier._"

"It seems like a box," Urahara said absentmindedly, fiddling with his hat.

Bing! Bang! BOOM!

Urahara was spread-eagled on the grass and facedown, his hat landing nicely onto his unkempt light blonde hair. Hachigen's raised fist shook, and more veins started to pop on his forehead. "It. Is. Not. A. Box," he hissed at the easy-going shopkeeper. "It is a kido barrier, and you know that as well as I do. You've seen plenty of barriers before and you're just calling them a box? Can't you have any respect for kido, seeing as you are a master at it?"

"Sorry," came the muffled reply, and Urahara sat up, a large red fist-like imprint on his face. "I didn't know you were so sensitive about these things."

"You're very sensitive about your hat," Hachigen pointed out flatly. "If one told you that your hat was atrociously hideous, you would…"

"Don't insult my hat!" Urahara cried, clutching his most cherished item and pulling it toward his chest. "Or else I'll pummel you with my bankai!"

"Yes, precisely. Wait, hold on…" Hachigen paused a moment. "After the war, I asked your freeloader- Renji Abarai, I think- about his time here at the shop. He told me about the training with another boy and about your bankai. Apparently, you said, 'There's no way that I, a mere, handsome, SEXY shopkeeper could possibly have bankai!' So you, a mere, supposedly handsome, and a presumably sexy shopkeeper will pummel people with a nonexistent bankai if people insult your bucket hat."

Urahara gulped, his eyes wide, and his face slowly started to turn red. He then shook his head, wiping off his nervous expression, and declared arrogantly, "I am not presumably sexy, I AM sexy!"

Hachigen sighed at the shopkeeper's childish personality. "Whatever you say. I will be going now. You may try and find ways out, but good luck with that. If you cause any destruction, I will be locking you in for an extra week for Soifon-taicho's pleasure and admittedly mine. Goodbye, Urahara-san. And remember…_you are not in a box._"

Urahara watched as Hachigen left, shivering slightly. So much for being a gentle giant, he thought. He sensed Hachigen's reiatsu fade away as he left the shop, and once he was sure he was gone, he drew out Benihime. Smiling slightly, he whispered, "Awaken…"

_Riiiing._

He groaned and put away his zanpakuto. The escape would have to be done later. Shaking his head with disappointment, he picked up the interrupting telephone, which rang even though it wasn't plugged into anything. Hachigen was right about not putting a barrier over the telephone, and that he was particularly unhappy about. Sighing and putting the phone to his ear, he asked, "Hello?"

"Hello? Is this Urahara-san?" a feminine voice asked.

"Oh, it's Orihime-chan! What do you want?"

"Rangiku-san and I just want to visit you! It's kind of boring now that the war is over, because there's no more action anymore! HEEYAH!" Urahara flinched at the loud yell, tilting his head away from the phone, and a distant crash of china followed the yell. "Oh no! I broke the bowl with our radish fish oatmeal!"

Urahara's eyes slowly widened. Rangiku and Orihime meant death by cooking.

"You also broke the bowl with the ginger Brussels sprout hot sauce!" another voice chimed in, and it was no other than the Tenth Squad fukutaicho. Urahara's mouth dropped open at the mention of that extra…disgusting food.

"Sorry, Urahara-san!" Orihime yelled into the phone. "We were just having some fun with cooking! Oh, Rangiku-san, I have an idea! Let's give Urahara-san some of the food that we still have! Speaking of which, what should we bring for him? Urahara-san, what food do you like?" However, Urahara couldn't respond, as he was rolling on the floor and gagging like mad.

-In Orihime's apartment-

Orihime blinked, holding the phone with her right hand and stirring some onion jam with her other hand. After a minute, he still didn't respond; she shrugged and set the phone down on the counter, putting it on speaker mode in case Urahara-san was going to say something else. "Rangiku-san, I don't think he's too picky, so let's make anything we want!"

The strawberry-blonde woman turned her head and smiled at her human friend. "Good idea, Orihime-chan! How about we both make some of our favorites? Hmm…let's see…I'm probably going to make him some cookies! Peanut sake cabbage cookies!"

"Oh, that's one of my favorites from you!" Orihime exclaimed. "I'll make a strawberry leek pepper ice cream! Urahara-san, is that okay?"

"Don't…bother…" came the breathless reply.

"No, it's alright! You don't need to refuse it, even though you're such a polite person!" Orihime smiled and fetched some strawberries from the refrigerator, chopping the tops off neatly and tossing them into the garbage. "It'll taste amazing, I promise!" She quickly diced the small red fruit and set them into a pile. "Rangiku-san, toss me a leek!"

"Give me the jar of peanuts on the counter in return!" she shouted, throwing a half-rotten leek at Orihime. She caught the light jar of the peanuts in return and took out a handful, not bothering to remove the shells from them. An empty bowl was placed in front of her, and she placed the peanuts inside. She then grabbed an open bottle of sake and held it upside-down, shaking it as to pour all of the liquid into the bowl. "Cabbage, please!"

"Coming right up!" Orihime called, making her ice cream of death. She tossed a huge cabbage at Rangiku, and they both finished as quickly as possible, Rangiku putting her creation into the oven and setting the timer, Orihime putting her large container of the ice cream into the freezer. Once the timer set off, Rangiku and Orihime took their cooking and dashed toward the small shop of Urahara's, despite the fact that their aprons were splattered with cream and batter.

As they ran, clouds of dust trailing behind them, Orihime asked, "Rangiku-san?"

"Hmm?" Rangiku replied, trying to balance the tray of cookies with the oven mitts.

"Shouldn't we try the food first to make sure that Urahara gets the best food we've ever created?"

Rangiku smiled. "Excellent idea, Orihime-chan! Let's stop at the shop to do so!"

"Okay…aah!"

Rangiku watched in horror as Orihime tripped over a small bump in the road. Her arms flailed, and the large tub of ice cream sailed through the air. Thinking quickly, Rangiku fished out a gikongan and popped it into her mouth. Once coming out of her gigai, she whipped out her zanpakuto and cried, "Growl, Haineko!" The ash floated forward and caught the container just as it was about to touch the ground. Rangiku sighed in relief and helped Orihime up, then handed her the ice cream. "Let's just walk now. We're close enough anyway."

-In the 'box'-

Urahara looked around wildly. He sensed Orihime and Rangiku's reiatsu close by, and he was frightened out his mind. He had to escape now or be forced to eat Orihime and Rangiku's food. Inside his inner world, Benihime scoffed scornfully. _You idiot. Just break out. You were a captain, and that Ushoda guy was a lieutenant. You should easily be able to break out of this red 'box', as you called it._

_ Oi! Do you really think it's that easy?_

_ Obviously. But, frankly, you never act logically once you get frantic about some stupid thing. And this time it's because of food._

_ Benihime, do not tease me about being frantic over food. You have never tried it before, and I am betting my hat that once you try Orihime and Rangiku's food, you will never want to try it again._

_ I swear I will get that hat._

_ No, you won't._

_ Stop telling me that I won't get your hat. The two girls are here, anyways._

Urahara's head snapped up, and the first thing he saw were two sets of large breasts. He then looked up to see two smiling faces. His heart beat faster as he noticed the container and the tray in their hands; the contained was full of a pink and green concoction, and the tray contained blob-shaped brown and green cookies that didn't even look half-baked. He gulped for the second time that day, and waved a hand weakly. "Hello, Orihime-chan, Rangiku-san…"

"Hello, Urahara-san!" Orihime piped up, smiling. "Are you camping out in a barrier today? Isn't it boring inside there? You only have five things in there! Why don't you go through the door to the barrier to get some more things?"

Urahara looked blankly at the friendly girl. "A door?"

"Yeah, a door! Don't you see it?"

He looked straight ahead, squinting at the wall in front of him. "No, I don't see it," he replied. _So the door is only visible for visitors…drat._

Orihime looked puzzled, but she shrugged and stepped inside the barrier, almost like a ghost floating through a wall. "C'mon, Rangiku-san, come in! Anyways, Urahara-san, I made strawberry leek pepper ice cream for you! Rangiku-san made peanut sake cabbage cookies!" She grabbed a cookie from the tray, some batter slipping through her fingers, and jabbed Urahara's mouth with it.

Urahara wasn't willing to offend Orihime, so he reluctantly opened his mouth and swallowed the cookie. Almost immediately, he started choking and keeled over. Orihime widened her eyes and started to thump him on the back. "Urahara-san, are you alright?" she asked worriedly. "Was there something in the cookies that made you choke?"

"I'm not a big fan of sake…" he replied, and felt himself getting woozy. His head started spinning, and his senses were dimming. "Too much…makes me…unconscious…" _Do you taste it now, Benihime?_

_ Yeah! This is some seriously good stuff!_

Urahara's eyes bulged out of their sockets at his zanpakuto's response. _No…you're kidding me…_

_ I'm not! Do I get your hat now?_

_ …No._


	3. Day 3: Medication

Thanks to ultima-owner, Dragunity Gemini, and KuroiTori-sama for reviewing.

This is a very short chapter, and Tessai's the one with the torture tactics. xD You'll see...

Requests still welcome.

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Day Three: Medication

Tessai leaned against the door in the back of the shop, and sighed at the sight of his unconscious manager. He knew it was because of those two ladies that came yesterday with some strange-looking edibles, but he didn't know that Urahara would get knocked out so easily by eating something like that. The only words he heard were 'peanut sake cabbage cookies', and he didn't bother to fear the worst. But now, in the early morning light, he indeed feared the worst. _How much sake did that woman use? _he mused, and scratched his head for ideas to wake him up. A lightbulb shined above his head, and his glasses glinted in the dim light.

Benihime smiled gleefully, fiddling with her master's prized hat. She won the bet right after Urahara fainted from an overdose of sake. Putting the hat atop her head, she inspected herself in a puddle of water, enjoying her appearance, and then eyed Urahara warily. It had been many hours since the incident, and she was close to doubting that he was alive. More rather, she was hoping that he _wasn't_ alive. He was such an optimistic and cheeky person that it annoyed her as much as it obviously did to Ichigo Kurosaki.

_If he were dead, though, _she brooded, _I would be too. _It was too bad. _But, _she added in her head, _having his hat is the next best thing. _She took off the hat and tossed it up into the air, catching it on her finger and spinning it evenly like pizza dough. Oh, how long she had longed for this! For revenge on her master for being such an idiot! And now she had it! She started to cackle, but abruptly stopped as she caught a glimpse of another man who had a handlebar mustache and rectangular glasses. She blinked in confusion and wondered, _Why the hell is this man in Urahara's inner world?_

She then blinked again and saw the man more clearly. Then her surroundings changed completely; bright red walls surrounded all sides, grass was on the ground, and the plain white walls of the shop were visible. She also saw the unconscious body of Urahara and the man, also known as Tessai, was charging toward him and shoving his sleeves up. Benihime widened her eyes and found herself as the cane that was right next to Urahara's hand. _Why do I have to be some stupid cane? _she grieved, but that thought was quickly replaced with, _Dammit, I gotta get out of here! _once she saw Tessai jump high into the air with his hands raised.

Urahara stirred uncomfortably, still woozy from the sake. _Next time they deliver food…hopefully never…I need to remind them that there should be no sake. _He groaned and rolled around slightly. Then, something made his ears prick, and that was footsteps. Judging from the thumps, he could tell that the person was running. _Don't tell me it's Ushoda-san…even worse, Orihime-chan and Rangiku-san. _Suddenly, the footsteps ceased, and all was silent for a moment. Pondering why and wanting to figure out, his eyelids fluttered open, but all he saw was a descending shadow that was expanding at a rapid rate.

Tessai smiled. _He's awake. About time. _With that, he angled himself so that his feet crashed into the ground directly to Urahara's left side. In the split-second before his feet made contact, he swore that he saw Urahara's eyes widen to the size of dinner plates and his mouth open in a scream that wasn't heard at all. And in the next split-second, Tessai's feet slammed into the ground, dust and dirt spewed everywhere, and rocks showered on both of them.

Urahara gasped for breath as dust clogged his throat. He immediately sat up and kneeled over, coughing out the dirt while thinking with disbelief, _Tessai just tried to kill me! _He then felt extremely hard thumping on his back, and literally vomited out everything in his stomach. Whirling around to face his loyal assistant, he yelled, "What in the world was that for! You realize that you nearly killed me, right?"

Benihime sighed in relief at her being safe from those monstrous feet. However, she thought sadly, _It's too bad that he isn't dead._

Tessai ignored his bewildered boss and whipped out a clipboard. "Antidote for unconsciousness…checked and successful," he muttered, scribbling on the paper with a pen. "Good cure…for next time…situation…happens."

"Oi! It is not!"

"Manager?"

Urahara stopped in the midst of another outburst and stared at the muscular man. A question? Frankly, _he _should be the one with all the questions. Why did Tessai try to jump on him with the risk of killing him? Why did Tessai agree to him being stuck in a box? Why was…Hachigen so similar to Tessai with all the vague questions and all? The last question was quite obvious, but they were so similar, from the division to their abilities to their mustaches. He was about to speak when Tessai asked, "Do you have any thoughts about being in this box besides the thought to get out?"

Urahara eyed him warily, but replied despite himself. "It is quite boring," he began, "as there is nothing to do during the day besides sleeping. Also, I think I'm losing my appetite since yesterday…" His head fully turned to face Tessai when he saw his glasses glint. "What?"

"I'll be right back, manager, I need to fetch the appetite-returning medicine from the back of the toilet." Tessai dashed off into the shop, leaving Urahara with his jaw dropping to the ground like lead. He was going to be dead for sure. It was a known fact that no one could ever trust Tessai with recommending medicine.

_If you die, I'll be happy._

_ Be quiet, Benihime. _He grabbed the cane, ignoring Benihime's protests, and held it horizontally. "Awaken…"

"Manager!"

Urahara groaned and set Benihime down. Talk about timing. Tessai burst into the 'box', holding a dusty container full of medicine. He skidded to a halt once he was directly in front of Urahara, panting and holding the box up. "Here's the medicine," he said breathlessly. "Now, Manager, if you would please swallow the pills in this container."

Urahara stood firm. "No. I will not."

However, with those words, he fell for the ploy. With inhuman speed, Tessai popped open the cap of the container, quickly caught three pills between his fingers, and hurled them directly toward Urahara's open mouth as he spoke. They fired in a straight line, as accurate as bullets, and each managed to find themselves inside the rather clean mouth of Kisuke Urahara. He widened his eyes and swallowed, having no other choice. There was no time to react as Tessai came up close to his face and literally stuck a glass of water into his mouth, so his mouth turned into a perfect O.

"Mmm!" Urahara protested, and pulled the glass of water out and struck Tessai with it. "Oi! You really are trying to kill me, aren't you?"

"No, you just needed some medication for your problems. I'm trying to help you with your days in this barrier."

"Oh, stop acting all motherly!"

"No one ever said that."

"I did…" Urahara then felt a pang in the stomach, and he winced and keeled over. "Tessai…" he gasped. "When did this medicine expire?"

Tessai shrugged and looked at the ancient container. "It's a bit blurry…mmm…oh, I see it! It's from ten years ago! I knew I needed it someday!"

"YOU SHOULD'VE THROWN IT OUT NINE YEARS AGO!"

The assistant shrugged again. "You can't buy things without using them at least once. It would have been a waste of money if I didn't use it sooner or later."

Urahara felt another pang in his stomach. "I need to go to the bathroom! My stomach extremely hurts! Tessai, fetch me the toilet!"

"I'm not going to rip the toilet out of the ground, Manager!"

"Good grief, just do it!"

"Manager, I have another question for you before I do so."

"What is it?" Urahara snapped, jumping around nervously and waiting for Tessai to fetch the toilet. He needed to go. BAD. Not later, NOW. And Tessai was stalling for time, and that was not a good thing. Tessai finally opened his mouth to ask one of the most awkward questions in the history of awkward questions:

"How have you gone to the bathroom for the past two days?"


	4. Day 4: Fashion Faux Pas

Thanks to ultima-owner, KuroiTori-sama, and Dragunity Gemini for reviewing.

Chapter credit: Dragunity Gemini

Just a clarification: these events do not take all 24 hours of the day. Let's just say that they're the highlights of Urahara's days. :D

Still taking requests.

* * *

Day Four: Fashion Faux Pas

Only three days passed ever since Hachigen sealed Urahara inside the 'box', and it was driving Urahara to the edge of his nerves. The pale-haired shopkeeper anxiously paced back and forth inside his cage of doom, reminiscing over what had happened the other day, when Tessai fed him the expired medicine. Goodness…he did not want to remember that. Oh, the excruciating pain in his stomach! The endless pleading thoughts than ran through his mind! The decision between shifting a tiny inch and experiencing more pain or not being able to move at all!

…

At least Tessai ripped out the toilet in time.

He groaned and flopped onto the grass, his arms spread out, his dull grey eyes staring at the sky that was tinted red by the barrier. He had expected the month to be bad, but not necessarily horrible like this. Even Hachigen couldn't have predicted all this to happen, although he was the one who locked him in here. Sure, he got five items and actually could sleep, but it wasn't enough. Urahara sighed and sat up, leaning against the barrier. Now, in this barrier, he was afraid that he was losing his sanity day by day. He barely had enough patience. Getting to his feet and pacing once more, he pondered about what would happen to him today.

_Hope Orihime-chan and Rangiku-san don't come. Even though they're both such sweet people…_

Benihime coughed nonchalantly. _Sluts, you mean_, she said irritably.

_ Quiet, Benihime! That's not nice to good-looking women!_

_ You damned pervert._

_I already realize that, but you forgot the handsome and sexy part!_

_ I didn't forget it! There's a reason I left it out, you know!_

Urahara pouted at his sarcastic zanpakuto. _How can you be so mean to your master? _he asked sorrowfully.

Benihime sighed grumpily. _'Cause I have the choice to._

_ Can't you be more optimistic like me?_

_ I have the choice not to._

_ …Anyways, what was I thinking again? Oh yes…I do not want Tessai feeding me more expired medicine for my supposed sickness. At least he's been feeding me food, although one time it was this spicy microwavable bento that expired five months ago. It was at least better than the pills that 'cured' appetite loss. I need Ururu or Jinta to go to the market and buy some fruit or just give me some candy from the shop. Besides that, what will happen next…?_

_ Clothes, _Benihime said absentmindedly, twirling her crimson hair.

Urahara confusedly looked up from thought. _What about clothes?_

_ Oh, I just said something random to answer your question. _

_ That is just excellent, Benihime. Now…_

"Don't you have extra clothes to change into?" a new and stern voice asked.

Urahara, out of complete and utter shock, jumped so high into the air that he smacked his head onto the top of the barrier. He unpleasantly crashed straight to the hard dirt ground, and the wind was knocked out of him for a moment; he coughed and rolled onto his side, then looked up at his surroundings. He was still in the barrier—unfortunately—but a giant crater triple his size was 360 degrees around him. His gaze then wandered up toward the newcomer—a raven-haired boy garbed in a unique white outfit.

Benihime raised her head in interest. _Who's this four-eyed guy?_

_ Uryuu Ishida, a Quincy, _Urahara informed, staring at the high-school 'nerd'.

Uryuu shook his head disdainfully at Urahara's foolishness. Shoving his glasses up his nose with an air of confidence and snootiness, he lifted his chin and stared back at the baffled ex-captain. "What's so surprising about my appearance? You do realize that your assistant has called your name multiple times to get your attention, right?" He smirked and easily entered the barrier. To Urahara, he just seemed to slide through the red wall just like a soul would; as the Quincy did so, Urahara was beginning to have doubts of whether the boy was still alive or not. But his real thoughts were about why he came here, to the back of the small shop meant to sell shinigami items. As if reading his mind, Uryuu replied, "Orihime-san told me about how you were stuck in this barrier, so I came to visit you."

"That's just excellent," Urahara croaked, trying to feign happiness.

"Yes, indeed. And I see you have…" The rectangular glasses got a look at the mostly empty barrier with particular interest. "…your hat, your cane, a pillow, a double of you that doesn't seem to be alive, and a phone. Intriguing." After a moment of contemplating this information, Uryuu shrugged and looked back at Urahara. "Why don't you have an extra share of clothes? Doesn't it feel revolting after wearing the same clothes every day? How long are you in here for?"

Urahara's gaze narrowed, but he looked away from the questioning gaze of the younger male. He wasn't going to assume that it was safe to tell anyone quite yet; after all, there were many horrible consequences. No one knew outside of Tessai, Hachigen, Ururu, Jinta, and himself. But, perhaps this particular person was a tad bit kinder than the rest of them and wouldn't spill his secret.

_Stop being a wuss and just freaking tell him. What's the matter with you, the usually optimistic and happy person? You usually have good comebacks, although they are a bit cheesy, _Benihime growled, drawing a fist back and preparing to punch her master with all her might.

_Quiet, Benihime. I'm trying to think of a good reply that a sexy man would say…_

WHAM.

Inside his inner world, Urahara's hands flew up to his nicely bruised cheek. Benihime's head was bent, her long bangs covering her eyes, and she held up a shaking fist. Steam literally shot out of her ears, and her reiatsu started rising to the point where Urahara himself could barely breathe. The angry zanpakuto took a step forward, and the first glare she sent his way was not one dagger, but a multitude of daggers. "You absolute idiot!" she shouted, and her right foot swung up and connected with his chin. Urahara flew up into the air, comical tears pouring out of his eyes. Benihime shunpoed off toward him, caught him by his shirt collar, and started landing a barrage of deadly punches. "Why…" *punch* "Are…" *punch* "You…" *punch* "Such…" *kick to the privates* "A dumbass!" *slam onto ground*

"This isn't another bankai training, is it?" Urahara murmured quietly, tears making trails on his dirt-stained and bruised face.

Benihime stared at her crying master in shock. "Oh…master, you alright…?"

A wide grin spread on Urahara's face, and Benihime widened her eyes in sudden realization. If she had escaped a second later, she would have found Urahara's sandals in her face. Urahara leaped to his feet nicely and crowed, "Hah! You shouldn't have fallen for such a cheap trick, Benihime! You…"

"Er…Urahara-san? Is there something wrong? You were flinching for a while as if being inflicted with some sort of damage, and now a goofy grin is plastered onto your face. You still haven't answered my question yet, so…may you do so now?"

Urahara blinked rapidly, and suddenly he was back into the real world. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Uryuu's perplexed expression. Uryuu tapped his foot impatiently and repeated, "You haven't answered my question yet. How long are you going to stay here for?"

"Twenty-seven more days," Urahara answered weakly, anxiously biting his lower lip.

Right then, Benihime delivered another solid kick to his rather sensitive area. _Now you decide to tell him. You oblivious shopkeeper!_

Urahara winced slightly, but wiped the expression off of his face once he saw Uryuu's incredulous face. His eyes bulged out of their sockets, nearly pressing themselves against his glasses, and his mouth had dropped open and seemingly dislocated. His hands slapped against the sides of his head, and the Quincy yelled, "Twenty-seven days? Are you crazy? You're going to be here for twenty-seven more days and you didn't even think, _think, __**THINK **_about grabbing a set of extra clothes? How absurd is that? You need some extra clothes now and…" he wrinkled his nose at this statement. "You need deodorant, Urahara-san!"

"Why, a sexy man doesn't need deodorant!"

"You're sweating like a pig! Don't make any excuses," Uryuu snapped, and with a twirl of his hand, a needle was clasped in between his fingers. He gracefully swept the needle across to his other side, and a thin red string sailed along with it. Then, his hands transformed into peach blurs, and the threads changed color along with it, from blood red to forest green to even dirt brown. A delicate sheet of fabric slowly made its way down to the ground, but was snatched up by Uryuu's inhumanly speedy hands. He then spread his arms wide, and just hanging from his fingertips was a very strange costume: ah, you'll figure it out in the next quote.

Urahara raised an eyebrow at Uryuu's creation. "Ishida-san…why'd you create an outfit for a cross-dresser?"

Benihime snickered. _Very sexy for you, no?_

_ Go hide in a ditch._

_ Yes ma'am. _She snickered, and strode off.

"It's to keep you cool," Uryuu explained, pulling out a demonstration board from nowhere in particular. Using a black dry-erase marker, he scribbled words and drew some type of diagram, then let Urahara have a peek. On it was a tank top with a very low collar, and directly beneath it was…

"Ishida-san, why in the world did you create a plaid skirt for me?"

"The correct term is a kilt." Uryuu shot the ex-captain a glare. "We were learning to sew them in the sewing club at our school. I didn't create you tights, but that would have looked rather awkward for a man your age." He then raised one eyebrow and leaned forward to inspect the shopkeeper. "By the way, Urahara-san, how old _are_ you?"

Urahara gave a little snort. "I believe there's a rule that states that it is impolite to ask a woman her age. Now that I have to somewhat dress as a woman, I cannot state my age."

"You do know that kilts are made for men, right?"

"No. But I really don't get why there isn't a rule about it being impolite to ask a man his age."

"Why? You're afraid that your age doesn't match up with your supposed sexiness?"

"…Precisely."

…

A crow squawked overhead and flew out of a tree, sending leaves showering down on the barrier. Uryuu and Urahara simply gazed at each other, neither willing to make the first move. Butterflies fluttered around the barrier, crickets chirped even though it was only daytime, miniscule beads of sweat rolled down their backs, and every other symbolism of embarrassment depicted in anime occurred in the five minutes of the spur-of-the-moment staring composition. Finally, Uryuu asked, "May you try on the outfit? Yours is probably sweaty and putrid right now."

"Why, Ishida-san, you need to have years of experience of wearing clothes in order to understand this. Clothes being sweaty and smelly are the mark of a real man!"

"I beg to differ. You try, Urahara-san, after a few days the number one priority on your list is getting a new set of clothes."

"My number one priority is getting out of this box."

"I am pretty sure that this is a barrier."

"I don't care. I probably won't need new clothes…"

_Smell your own outfit, _Benihime muttered, appearing in the inner world once again. She pinched her nose with her chin raised up defiantly. _Good grief, did you really poop in your own pants for the past three days?_

_ Some questions are best left unanswered, Benihime. Words of wisdom from a sexy man's mouth._

_ Dammit, just smell your clothes._

With a sigh of impatience, Urahara leaned over to sniff his shoulder, and his reaction was the general one: he gagged, rolled over, and played dead for a few seconds until he finally got up again and panted like a dog that had ran a marathon. The scent of his own sweat and…something else lingered unpleasantly in his nose. He tried to exhale the putrid smell, but it wasn't successful—obviously. Uryuu smirked slightly and handed him the white tank top. "Just put it on already. Your clothes must stink, according to your reaction."

"I will not, nor will I need deodorant. But thanks for the present anyway."

"Fine. Do you need a washing machine for your pants?"


	5. Day 5: AWOL, That's All

Thanks to ultima-owner and KuroiTori-sama for reviewing.

Sorry for the late update; homework is a pain in the neck.

* * *

Day Five: AWOL, That's All

_Time to…_the male thought, resting his chin on his hand, furrowing his eyebrows in deep concentration.

_Act like a man, _his female counterpart retorted, opening her mouth in a wide yawn.

_No, that's not it. It's time to escape._

Benihime sighed in frustration. Her master was really a pain in the ass sometimes. If there were more insulting ideas, she would have used them, but frustration mostly clouded her mind. Plus, she didn't want to use a more kid-friendly term that would ruin her reputation of being a foul zanpakuto. She wasn't in the mood to be an easy-going spirit. No, scratch that, she was never in the mood to be an optimistic person like her master. He was the happy chickadee while she was the stubborn mule. And according to that statement, chickadees are not sexy.

Urahara: owned.

But the thing was, why didn't Urahara think of it earlier? If it were day by day: day one, the sealing. _I still can't believe he fell for that trick, the worthless idiot! _she mused. Day two, with the two big-breasted females. He really could have just attacked them or bound them with a kido and escaped. Or, he could have done it when he was gagging like heck. Day three: the medication. He also could have attacked Tessai, with the risk of Tessai being hurt and their trust in each other severed. But, who cares? As long as he could get along with his assistant again, all was fine. Day four: the clothing. She snickered at this thought. The clothes still lay idle in a corner, along with the carton of ice cream and tray of cookies that he never touched. Once again, the protocol _could've _been attack the four-eyed person, but nooo. Her master never bothered with that; his only excuse was the fact that he was sexy. Day five: who knows? He was probably going to escape, only if he had the right mind to do so.

Urahara grinned. Sexy man to the action! It was now time for him to be the protagonist! (As if Tessai, Orihime, Rangiku and Uryuu were the protagonists in the earlier days.) How come he hadn't thought of it before? He was a genius now! Even if Benihime wholeheartedly disagreed, he was still a genius! He had a new middle name to add: Kisuke Sexy Handsome Modest GENIUS Urahara. It rolled nicely off the tongue. Now…plan in action!

He swept his gaze toward the door of the back of the shop. Craning his neck to try and peer into the now dark and distant shop that had always spewed out more trouble for him, he made sure that Tessai wouldn't come outside anytime soon, then grabbed the inflatable gigai laying motionless in the corner. _I'm glad I chose this as one of my five items, _Urahara thought gleefully, sucking in a large amount of air and blowing into the gigai. _I truly can't live without this. In battle, it saves me. Now, in this box—I don't really care what Hachigen says—it will save me from insanity. _The once folded arms of the flat gigai expanded with air, swinging themselves to the sides of the fake body, and the legs slowly transformed into sausage-shaped lumps. _He probably never thought about how I was going to escape. The overconfident vizard has nothing on me. Nothing! This is my victory now!_

After the gigai was fully inflated, Urahara carefully set it aside. He then stared at the ground that was directly beneath his feet and recalled Hachigen's words: _If you cause any destruction, I will be locking you in for an extra week for Soifon-taicho's pleasure and admittedly mine. _He shuddered a moment, then ran through all the kido he knew. He couldn't risk using Benihime, as her attacks would definitely cause destruction; he needed an attack that would somehow make the dirt beneath him just disappear and not create those huge resounding crashes where the buildings fall and rubble is spewed into the air and all that clichéd stuff.

Then, it clicked. Hado number Fifty-Four: Haien would be the one to do. This particular hado would incinerate any target. Urahara grinned slyly and held up two fingers, muttering, "Hado Fifty-Four: Haien!" He then swept his fingers to the side, and a neon-purple boomerang of condensed reiryoku found its mark at the ground directly beneath his feet. The dirt didn't fly off in random directions; instead, it just formed a neat hole that was deep enough. Urahara then activated a light-bending kido on himself, positioned the gigai so that it looked like it was sleeping on the pillow, and began to dig.

Thirty minutes of nonstop digging later, his fingers ached with fatigue and were dirt-stained, but he didn't care. Until he was sure that his hole was aligned with the wall and was large enough to fit him, he thrust his fingers through the angled hole and groped around. The wall didn't extend underneath the ground…a plus for him. Hachigen probably never thought about it. He grinned again, then fired consecutive Haiens until he couldn't feel the heat of the destructive spell against his fingertips. He peered inside the hole that was as large as himself, nodding in approval, and prepared to jump in.

_Thump. Thump. Thump._

Urahara poked his head out of the hole at the sound, ears pricked and eyes alert. This gaze angled toward door, and a faint outline of a grey shadow flickered around the corner, distorted by the edge where it ran across the floor and up a stack of boxes. Judging by the elongated shadow, the person was very tall and muscular…it was Tessai, who was presumably coming to check on Urahara.

His mind worked frantically. Even though he was invisible, the hole was not, and any destruction would cause another week of madness. A foot came out of the door, then another, then the tip of a mustache appeared. Urahara's pulse quickened dramatically, then he spotted the 'sleeping' gigai. An idea clicked, and he pointed a finger at it.

Tessai sighed, yawning because of the early morning, and walked toward the back of the shop. He wondered how his manager fared with the claustrophobic barrier. Probably a nutcase by now, with all his 'useful' presents. He smiled at this thought, and walked out the open door. The first thing that caught his eye, as usual, was the transparent red barrier. The next thing was a sleeping Urahara, his head resting peacefully on a blue pillow. But, he swore he saw a flash of neon yellow and Urahara slide to the side as if it were on ice. Now curious with his new suspicions, he cautiously entered the barrier, treading lightly on the ground, and stooped down next to his manager's sleeping form.

Urahara gasped, sweating profusely, leaning against the sides of his ditch. His hands sunk into the sides, and his nails clawed the dirt nervously. He heard every menacing thump above his head, and bit his lip anxiously. Looking up, he could see nothing…thankfully. That meant that Tessai could not see him from there. What had happened when Tessai stepped out was that Urahara fired a Hainawa spell around the gigai and the pillow, and hastily yanked it over so that the pillow covered the hole, and immediately deactivated it. Now, he was catching his breath, and after a few long exhales, he carefully crawled on hands and knees down the tunnel. After a few tense moments, his hands bumped against the singed end of the tunnel.

_Here goes…the-_

_ Act like a damn man time._

_ No, Benihime. How many times do I have to tell you? It's time to escape now! _Urahara gritted his teeth and pressed two fingers against the ceiling.

Tessai frowned, turning the body over again and again, but no eyelids fluttered open. He then observed the odd tracks that led from the far side of the barrier. Sleepwalking? It didn't seem likely that people could drag themselves across a room when sleeping, Tessai reasoned, although it would be a funny sight to see. He then opened his mouth, gripped Urahara's collar tightly, and yelled, "MANAGER! WAKE UP!"

Nothing.

The assistant shook his head. This called for drastic measures. His glasses glinted in the usual evil way, and he rolled his sleeves up. He carefully turned Urahara so that his stomach was facing upward, bent his knees, and sprang up high. His feet aimed directly for the stomach, and he wasn't afraid of injury; he was determined to get his master awake. A split-second before his feet slammed into Urahara's stomach, the shopkeeper did not wake. So, he landed on Urahara's stomach none-too-lightly, and 'Urahara' burst like a balloon, the plastic of the gigai flying around like little bugs.

Tessai's eyes widened behind his glasses. Where was his manager? He stared down at where the inflatable gigai once was, then left, then right. Then, a 'what's-wrong-with-this-picture?' thought came in his head. The pillow had shifted due to the large blast of air the gigai had let out, and it was positioned right by an Urahara-sized hole. The former Kido Corps captain smirked, immediately knowing his manager's intentions, and crawled down the hole with another Tessai-evil plan in mind.

Urahara scrambled back as the dirt fell in an unceremonious heap where he was just a few seconds ago. Light filtered in from the wide circle, creating a nicely shaped O. Urahara laughed in triumph and looked through the hole; he was glad to see the sky that wasn't tinted red by a barrier. He gripped the sides of the hole and lifted himself up a little too quickly; his head smashed against something invisible, and he fell down, stunned, his eyes staring out the hole. His only thought was, _Hachigen's covered the lawn with a barrier…_

If you thought that was the end of this, you are wrong.

Once Urahara fully regained his senses, he got up, turned around to come too close for comfort with the intimidating face of Tessai, and screamed the living day out of him.


	6. Day 6: Just Dance

Thanks to KuroiTori-sama and ultima-owner for reviewing.

Alright, just to let you guys know, I've planned out a lot more, and I need at least ten left. It is ridiculously hard to think of ideas, so if you guys would be so kind, may you think of ideas that these characters can do with Urahara? (The ones not listed are either unimportant, already thought of, or I have forgotten to list.) You obviously don't have to do all of them, but ideas would be awesome!

Yamamoto, Sasakibe, Soifon, Omaeda, Kira, Unohana, Hinamori, Byakuya, Renji, Komamura, Hisagi, Hitsugaya, Chad, mod souls, and anyone else you can think of...the rest of the Gotei 13 has been considered as ideas or ignored (like some lieutenants). Thanks again!

* * *

Day Six: Just Dance

Tessai hauled a large sack filled with dirt into the barrier, setting it down with a rough plop and rubbing his hands together. Urahara sat in a corner, scowling, holding his arm back as far as it would allow and trying to sew the inflatable gigai back together with the tip of Benihime's broad blade and a loose string from the—plaid skirt—a couple days ago. It certainly wasn't easy trying to sew with a sword that didn't appreciate its master. Urahara's arm moved left, right, forward, and other random directions with a not-quite-smooth precision, occasionally creating diminutive cuts in the plastic pieces. Once he had poked enough holes in both pieces, he held the string, wet the end with his saliva, and strung it through messily. _It's too bad I don't have Ishida-san's sewing prowess, _he thought miserably as he tied the string in a knot and started the painstaking process all over again with more pieces of his poor quality gigai. _I'd invite him over to sew this back together, but I don't want the undeniable risk of him sewing more clothes for a cross-dresser._

Meanwhile, Tessai was dumping the dirt into the wide hole, sweat rolling down his back as he worked, his muscles tensing as he shook the remaining bits of earth out of the sack. He occasionally snuck glances at his master, whose face was drooping with gloom. An apologetic smile crept onto his face that went unnoticed by Urahara. He really had an uncanny knack of scaring the soul out of Urahara. Yesterday, when he crawled into the hole to search for his manager, he noticed Urahara lying spread-eagled on the ground. Wanting to give him a little adrenaline rush, he hid in the shadows…LIKE A NINJA! No, that's not the right world. But either way, when Urahara got up from his stupor, Tessai shocked/scared/nearly killed his manager by going face to face with him…literally.

With a small smirk, he thought, _I am hereby accused for the attempted multiple murders of Kisuke Urahara._

Tessai patted down the dirt so that it became firm and put a patch of fake grass on top and patted that down as well. He rubbed his hands together in satisfaction, extra bits of dirt slowly falling to the ground and forming a mini pile of the brown soil. _What makes me so intimidating? _he thought. _Is it my interesting plans for helping my manager? Is it the way the sunlight reflects off the lens of my glasses? Is it the way my mustache curls up at the corners with a unique spooky touch? Is it my powers of ultimate kido? _Whatever the reason, he concluded, it still scared the hell out of Urahara. His unspoken powers of intimidation also passed on to Hachigen, it seemed, but his lieutenant's said talent were still maturing. An imaginary crown placed itself atop his head, Hachigen earning second, Ururu earning third in the category of "Most Intimidating People in the Human World."

In Soul Society, Retsu Unohana took first, second, and third.

The former Kido Corps captain then broke away from his glory and snuck another glance at Urahara. The former 12th Division captain was still moping around, half-heartedly trying to skewer his less-than-a-quarter-finished gigai with his zanpakuto. He was so somber these days, but he really could do something to amuse himself. Play some games. Call over some people who could amuse him. Knock himself unconscious so he wouldn't have to endure tedious waiting. He just needed to move his feet a little, to shake himself so he wouldn't be too sore later. Tessai sighed. Why was it always up to him to make Urahara actually do something? Urahara seemed too lazy to do something to entertain himself. Tessai, of course, was never too lazy to entertain himself by doing something strange to Urahara.

_Alright, think, think, think…_

Ka-ching!

With an idea in mind, he dropped to the ground and started to grope around for a small metal object between the thin blades of grass—specifically, a sewing needle. He had watched Uryuu Ishida sew clothes for his manager, and a needle had dropped from his little kit of sewing tools. Tessai crawled toward the entrance, hoping to find it there, and indeed; a shiny silver object lay motionlessly on the ground. He pinched the sides and observed it curiously—what was he supposed to do with it? How could he make Urahara go accordingly to his plan? He needed to have a cause/effect thing with the needle. Unless he could somehow use a kido on it and make it effective when stuck into a person. But which one? A bakudo would be pointless, as it was a binding spell, and Tessai wanted his manager to move his feet. Hado were, well, destructive, but it was the only way to make him move to dodge or whatnot. How would you make someone hop like hell, jumping on one foot, yowling like a cat, and facial expressions twisted? Tessai quickly ran through the main elements in his mind. Fire, water, wind, earth, and electricity.

Fire: making the ground underneath him heated would surely make him jump, but no hado could do that. Water: it could wash him away, but not necessarily make him move; he could subconsciously drown himself. Wind: technically the same as water. Earth: maybe an earthquake, but yet again, he could just let himself be tossed about with the risks of broken bones and maybe death. Electricity…particularly interesting. It really could make people dance like mad, not resting until the effect wore off. And since Tessai was a kido master…Tessai smiled behind his thick mustache. He turned, making sure that Urahara wasn't watching, and fingered the thin needle. Muttering a few words under his breath, he watched as electricity flew from his fingertips and weaved itself around the sewing object. The electricity crackled, then disappeared into thin air. He touched it cautiously, then, after feeling the ting of the hado, whipped around and flung the needle.

Urahara growled in annoyance, holding up his skin of a gigai, nails digging furiously into it. It was quite a malformed gigai, and green stitches criss-crossed throughout every square centimeter of the plastic. As for the head…the eyes weren't level with each other and were tilted like one of Pablo Picasso's art pieces, the mouth was twisted in a half-grin half-snarl, the nose was as flat as a pancake, and his gigai's unkempt pale hair was still…well, unkempt. But either way, he was not happy with the results. He really should have invited Uryuu, even with the cost of new clothes, as it was certainly much better than his burly assistant crawling on the grass, his rear sticking up like a dog that was digging for its bone. Urahara peeked over his handiwork, noticing Tessai crouching over something. Tempted to go check what he was doing, he shifted forward the tiniest amount, but decided against it. Fixing his gigai was a lot more important now, as he might need it in other situations. So, he picked up his sword and continued to sew.

Only problem: he never noticed the needle shooting toward his head.

He was considered lucky because of his perfect timing. At that moment, he stood up, stretching his sore limbs. At the same time, he was considered an unlucky man, as when he stood up, the needle went a little lower that Tessai had intended to. So, when the needle zoomed toward one of Urahara's sensitive areas, Tessai clapped his hands over his mouth. He wasn't even sure about whether to laugh at his ignorant manager or to warn him of the incoming danger. All he could manage out of his hoarse voice was, "Oh, oh, oh…"

But, of course, his 'warning' was ignored.

And thus, because of Urahara's oblivion, he got struck in a particularly unpleasant area.

The burning sensation coursed through his veins, his nerves had generated quite a shock, and he trembled violently with the effort of trying to stabilize himself. However, due to the potency of the hado generated by Tessai Tsukabishi, Urahara started to tremble to the point that his feet were flying all over the place, which was not easy considering that he was wearing his wooden clogs, which would occasionally tip him off balance. Next were his arms, flailing and as flexible as noodles. The force of his arms swung him around and around, making him a green tornado. Tessai scrambled out the door before Urahara landed a possible box on the ears, and flinched slightly as Urahara slammed against the wall. Eyes spinning, Urahara tried once again to control himself, only with the same results. "Tessai!" he called out woozily, tipping back and forth, balancing precariously on the edge of his clogs. "What did you doooooo…?"

"Hado Eleven," Tessai replied, crossing his arms in satisfaction. "Tsuzuri Raiden. Although a simple spell, it is certainly useful for making people dance. You were never moving your feet, manager, so I tried to make you do so. It evidently worked, judging by your quick feet, and my plan is complete."

"Why another plan?" Urahara muttered grimly, before being sent into another tornado spin.

"Days need to be interesting." Tessai pulled out a boom box from the back of the shop. He inserted a rusty old disk into it, pressing the triangular 'play' button with an air of playfulness. Standing up, he bent his head, waiting for the music to turn on. Urahara stared curiously at his assistant while spinning, wondering what in the name of Soul Society he was doing. Suddenly, the music blared, and Tessai's left hand found his head while his right found his side, and he started swinging his hips like nobody's business. His rear jutted out in a not-so-delicious way, and his lips were mouthing the words, "Oh yeah, oh yeah…"

Urahara rolled his eyes. Tessai was dancing because of will. While he, Kisuke Urahara, got injected with a hado-effective needle through a rather awkward body part. _Tessai just always has to have the worst options in the perfect times, _he mused as his surroundings became a blur with a simple spin of the heel.

At night, Tessai had another charge against him: he was hereby accused of making Kisuke Urahara dance for five hours straight.

Urahara, on the other hand, had passed out ten minutes after the start of the dance. And yet, he still danced the night away…

But, from anyone else's point of view, they would have thought he was under the influence.


	7. Day 7: Hollow Pills

Thanks to ultima-owner, The FlyingLion, and KuroiTori-sama for reviewing.

Thanks for the requests, guys! I'll add them later, so please be patient. I don't know how soon...

I sincerely apologize for my lack of updating. Homework is a pain...so, here's a chapter for you guys. It's an apology gift. :)

Originally titled "Consequences of Sugar". Hope you enjoy! R&R!

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Day Seven: Hollow Pills

A beat Urahara was sprawled across the grass, an arm resting over his eyes limply. His chest went up, down, up, down in an irregular fashion, sometimes so speedy that it was a blur, other times where you would have thought that he wasn't breathing at all. There was the occasional finger twitch, disturbing the stillness of the scene in the barrier. Urahara groaned, trying to shift his foot to the side, but his index finger twitched instead. The other foot. Finger twitch. Head. Finger twitch. His legs were so numb from the spinning that they were like noodles; rubbery and pale, but tomato sauce wasn't a side to it. The arms were the same. His head was throbbing, and all his energy used for good or bad intentions was completely drained. Saliva trickled down the corners of his mouth…or at least it was supposed to, as a finger twitched instead.

After he had finally stopped dancing like a fool in the dead of night, he had almost died. Of course, Benihime added the occasional lament of how he hadn't paved the way to death. But either way, he had passed out in the same position he was in right now, and owls hooted with laughter…if possible. And now, the sun peeked over the horizon, and tiny birds started their perpetual chirps. Flies buzzed noisily, circling around the barrier as if it would help Urahara get up onto his lazy ass. But, of course, Urahara couldn't get onto his jelly legs and was comparable to an inanimate object. And thus, Benihime found it foolish to talk to her master, as if someone catches you talking to an inanimate object they will think you are mental to some degree.

Tessai stood in the doorway, and for the first time he wasn't compelled to get his master moving. It was quite shocking to Tessai himself, but he just wasn't in the mood. His reasoning: what was the point of trying to get a shinigami with a major 'dance hangover' get onto his feet and move a bit? It wouldn't necessarily provide him amusement, as when Urahara's feet would touch the ground he would bend backwards and collapse again. It was also overused, so he didn't want to do that again. He needed a fresh idea.

The memories of yesterday settled in his mind, and he suppressed a snicker. The kido was a little too powerful than he had intended, and he had to admit that. If it had been more potent, then Urahara might as well have lost the use of his arms and legs, which wouldn't be a pleasant sight. But, at least it got his manager to do something, even if it sent a massive headache his way. Tessai's grin widened as he remembered when he strut his stuff, dancing with passion unlike _someone _else, Jinta and Ururu staring at him while moving boxes full of miscellaneous objects. Ah, good times…he hadn't remembered a time when he had moved with so much PASSION! He didn't have much time to dance, even when he was the captain of the Kido Corps. His kido spells would dance around his enemies, but he couldn't. Only when they were all finished would his feet fly across the ground, but then another wave of enemies would come and the kido would take the stage once more.

Oh, how envious he was! And it was only yesterday that he snatched a chance to take the stage instead of his snobby kido spells!

…

Oh, the drama.

But either way, all of Tessai's thoughts would not bring his manager to his feet. Not for a standing ovation at Tessai's epic Dance Dance Revolution moves, but to manage to actually stand for at least five seconds. Which, of course, would fail.

A red-headed young boy and a shy pigtailed girl poked their heads out from the side of a shelf docked with magazines. Their gazes swept past Tessai and bored into the red barrier, sadness shining in the girl's eyes, distaste in the boy's. Jinta Hanakari snorted disdainfully, shaking his head. "Why must Tessai and Urahara be such idiots?" he hissed to Ururu. "Seriously! Tessai nearly killed Urahara with one of the simplest hado spells! Can they be any more stupider than they are now? Adults seriously have no common sense!"

"Jinta-kun!" Ururu Tsumugiya protested, her voice lowered to a whisper. "Don't be rude! Tsukabishi-san was doing it for our manager's own good! Ever since our manager has gotten locked into the barrier, he hasn't been doing much himself!" She pulled Jinta behind the shelf before Tessai would spot them, and continued, "Tsukabishi-san just wanted Urahara-san to get up and do a little something!"

"Look at him now!" Jinta retorted, jerking his thumb toward the back of the shop. "He's as limp as a piece of paper and can't do 'a little something'!"

"But we can, Jinta-san," Ururu murmured quietly, and crept away. Out of curiosity, Jinta tailgated her through the shelves and found himself in the front end of the shop. Ururu had started to rummage through a box, tossing unnecessary things out of it. Jinta ducked as an article of clothing sailed toward his head, then leaped up as a heavy-looking barrel rolled his way, landing neatly on his feet. He was about to yell at the younger girl, but was cut off as pills were barraged at him with amazing speed. Thinking quickly, he yanked the article of clothing up—an exact replica of Urahara's green robe—and shielded himself from the volley of gikongan.

"Oi, Ururu! Watch it! What the hell do you think you're trying to find?"

Ururu's pigtails whipped to the side as she turned around, and she put a finger to her lips. Jinta frowned, but obeyed, and stepped aside as more random objects were tossed. Ururu finally found the object she was looking for, and turned around triumphantly to show Jinta. Jinta squinted his eyes at the object and gaped; not at the sheer genius of it, because it wasn't, but only the simplicity and the sheer _stupidity_ of it. Or so he thought it was stupid until they tried it. In Ururu's small hand was a shiny silver-bordered object: a tiny candy.

Jinta's yell bounced off the walls. "HOW THE HELL WILL THIS GET HIM OFF HIS ASS?"

Temper flared in Ururu's eyes, a rare sight and one that you wouldn't want to see anytime soon. "Jinta-kun," she said quietly, "_you do not know the consequences of sugar._" With that, she made her way to the back of the shop. A shiver ran itself up and down Jinta's spine, but he followed her anyway. He was absolutely determined to prove that she could not do it. A mere girl would not beat the likes of a stronger boy. He clenched his fists and hurried after her. Both exited the shop, nodding a greeting to Tessai, and launched themselves through the wall and into the 'box'. Ururu stood over her manager calmly, and waved the candy in his face. "Urahara-san," she said, "Are you able to talk and move?"

The shopkeeper lifted his head wearily. "Take it as a yes, Ururu," he croaked, trying to push himself up. "What are you doing here? What's with the candy?"

"Can you swallow?" the young girl asked politely.

"Of course!" Urahara chirped, but thought with confusion, _What's with that question? Don't tell me Hachigen taught one of my assistants the way of ambiguity._

Ururu unwrapped the candy slowly, smoothing out the crinkles, trying not to tear the wrapper. She pointed to her mouth, and Urahara obeyed; then, with a simple flick of her finger, the candy flew into his mouth. Urahara's tongue skimmed the surface of the hard candy, fruity sweetness soaking into his mouth. "Mmm. Strawberry," he commented unnecessarily, chewing it into little pieces and swallowing it. "I guess it's my favorite flavor…" With that, he let out a sigh and plopped down onto the grass again, weariness consuming him once more.

Jinta laughed rudely, aiming his insult at Ururu. "See? Candy can't make the manager get up, you idiot! And you thought your plan was better than mine!"

"You had a plan, Jinta-kun?" Ururu asked curiously. "You didn't say."

That shut the redhead up. Ururu giggled a little, then swept off her mushroom-like hat. In it were many silver-wrapped candies in all shapes and sizes and flavors and sweetness. She set her hat down on the grass and once she put her hand into the hat, it wouldn't stop moving. Jinta watched in amazement as she unwrapped them with amazing alacrity, a couple pink ones falling into her palm, another brown one in the shape of a banana, and another one that didn't look quite too pleasant in shape and color. After she had built a candy mountain out of a sugar molehill, she stood over Urahara, bent down, forced his jaw open, and dumped it all into the small capacity of his mouth.

Urahara's eyes had widened tremendously when she stood over him, that gargantuan pile of hardened sugar resting in the palm of her hand. Of course, he could only fear the worst, judging by the past days of terror. So, when the first candy hit his tongue, he closed it immediately—only to get at least ten more than he had expected. He chewed ferociously, swallowed, and sat up quickly, only to have his stomach churn multiple times. A hand held up in fright, he used this opportunity to breathe slowly. "Ururu-chan," he gasped, "I do think that's enough."

To his surprise, she shook her head. "You don't have enough energy yet," she protested. "You need more energy, and you'll get that by sugar. I'm just trying to help, manager!" Her eyes welled up with perfect fake tears.

Pity was the first feeling that came to mind when seeing her face, but Urahara shook off the feeling and glared at his assistant. "No way…"

And the old medication technique was used on him. As he spoke, Ururu launched the candies into his mouth. Tessai, who was still standing by the doorway, chuckled and congratulated himself on managing to influence one of the young ones. But then, his eyes grew larger than his glasses lens as Ururu really took it to the extremes: she grabbed her giant mummy cannon from behind her back, loaded it with the candies, and yelled, "Fire!"

You can guess what happened.

Tessai laughed heartedly and clapped his rough hands together as hard as he could. "Yes, Ururu!" he cheered, pumping a fist in the air with triumph. "That's right! Way to go with gut instinct! You now know the perfect way to deliver treatment for our manager! You are doing much better than Jinta, and he will never be better than you at this type of skill!"

"OI!"

"Go, Ururu, go!"

"Yes sir!" Ururu replied, reloading, shooting, and reloading again. Urahara closed his eyes just to avoid the sight of the candies. He swallowed the giant solid mass of candy in his mouth, choking at the flavor of earthworms, grape medicine, and Yoruichi's cat fur. Then came the next round of Orihime's cooking, sake, regular candy, ice, metal, and cinnamon candy. Third round was vanilla, chocolate, oranges, milk, tea, his sweaty clothes—wait a minute—nasty portions included, chicken, cotton, paper, cardboard…and the list goes on. As Urahara endured each candy bullet, unable to escape due to the weight in his mouth, he realized with horror that the candy wasn't the ones he bought from the store. They were pills originally designed for poisoning Hollows.

Ururu was shooting weapons out of a weapon that weren't meant for shinigami.

"Ur-ur-u!" he shouted, spitting out the pills as she was reloading, then held up a hand to block the stream of pills. The force of the gun was enough to make his hand feel like the bones were broken, and he chewed his lip. "Ururu! Listen to me! Do some of the candies have no wrappers?"

The firing temporarily ceased as Ururu looked into her hat, allowing Urahara a few moments of savoring the consequences of sugar being used as bullets. With trembling fingers, she withdrew an unwrapped pill the color of an olive. "W-what is it?" she asked anxiously, her voice shaking along with her skinny frame.

"It's…" Wishing to comfort his sensitive assistant, he knelt down in front of her and patted her head. "It's just that the pills are meant for Hollows and not for eating." As big fat tears rolled down Ururu's cheeks, he said quickly, "I know you wanted me to get up, and I appreciate it." _Even though it's more of trying to weigh me down with a mountain of sugar. _"Don't cry, Ururu. It's all fine…"

A loud rumble echoed off the walls of the barrier, a silent pang following afterward. Typically, when people are hungry, their stomachs growl. It seems that it is true for when their stomachs hurt as well…for shinigami, at least. Urahara sighed in defeat, standing up and facing Tessai wearily. "Tessai."

"Yes, manager?"

"Fetch me the toilet once more. Ururu, Jinta, you may leave. This sexy man needs his privacy."

-An hour later-

Urahara groaned as he clutched his stomach. Pangs hit him as fast as the candies from the gun came at him, and they weren't minor. It was comparable to many earthquakes disrupting his digestive system, and the aftermath wasn't pretty. Literally. Tessai had to haul out the toilet with a gas mask on, and that only made him look more evil.

In this case, you can judge a book by its cover.

Speaking of Tessai, the burly assistant poked his head out the back of the shop. "A captain has come to greet you," he called, and disappeared out of sight.

Urahara blinked in confusion. A captain has come to see another captain? What for? If it were Soifon, he'd be frightened out of his skin. But, he would indeed have to prepare for the worst. Same with the head captain. Unohana might be a problem with her healing prowess and her _slightly _intimidating personality. And then there was that white-haired midget captain… "What is the Tenth Division captain capable of?" Urahara muttered to himself.

-Soul Society-

Toshiro Hitsugaya sat at his paperwork-covered desk, sighing in dissatisfaction as he at last finished off the tenth batch of files that Matsumoto was supposed to work on. But, of course, she just _had _to go drinking with Kira and Hisagi. Growling, he snatched the top paper of the next stack with a little too much force, and the white papers scattered sparsely around the office, floating to the ground slowly. With a frustrated yell, he shunpoed around, grabbing each sheaf of paper, and returned to his desk while cursing at his lazy lieutenant.

_She can be serious in battle. But when it comes to paperwork…_he rolled his eyes. "Why can't she just treat paperwork like a battle?" he complained aloud. "If she doesn't come back immediately, I will force her into battle with this load of work."

Somewhere in a faraway bar, Rangiku Matsumoto sneezed, but ignored the fact that her captain was talking about her at that moment.

Hitsugaya sneezed as well, but he also brushed off the fact that someone was talking about him.

After signing a paper, Hitsugaya leaned back in his chair uncomfortably, weary and annoyed. This was definite overkill for anyone, especially for someone his age. Even though he had honed his super-speed writing after many years of practice, it still wasn't enough to catch up with the paperwork that joined its siblings day after day. Hollow detection, Karakura Town, how the nearest bars got obliterated by Matsumoto, Karakura Town, some events in Hueco Mundo, and Karakura Town all over again. As much as he hated to admit it, he had no method of removing these papers.

His teal eyes gazed around the room with no particular destination. Something then caught his eye: a rare empty space in one of the corners of the office. Some candy wrappers littered it, and Hitsugaya was hasty enough to dispose of them in the trash. He stood over the blank area, sizing it up. What was wrong with this scene?

The memory then popped into his mind, and he shook his head. Ukitake had taken it for some reason, saying that with the neglecting of the candy stockings, he would take the sweets and send it elsewhere. There went his guilty pleasure, one that he hoped would stimulate his growth…

Ahem.

He then abruptly stood up and marched out of his office.

-In the 'box'-

Urahara anxiously anticipated the visitor, his eyes locked on the door of the shop. _Thump, _went the captain's footsteps. _Thump. Thump. Thump. _Urahara's heart hammered against his ribcage, and he held his breath as he felt the strong reiatsu of his guest. Squeezing his eyes shut, he yelled, "Don't hurt me, Soifon-taicho!"

"Soifon-taicho?" the captain asked softly. "Why, she's in Soul Society. It's been a while, Urahara-taicho." A rough cough then sounded.

From his auditory skills, Urahara could deduce the following:

This was a man. If Soifon could somehow alter her voice, then he wouldn't be so sure about that fact.

The person was quite tall, as he noticed the change in light through his closed eyelids.

There was only one person in Soul Society that coughed like that.

The shopkeeper opened his right eye by a mere millimeter. There, majestic with his flowing white hair and confidence, was none other than Jushiro Ukitake, the captain of the Thirteenth Division. Ukitake smiled at the sight of his fellow captain, and commented, "You don't look quite well, Urahara-san."

"Long story," he grumbled. The best he could hope for was that his face wasn't as green as his shirt.

"Oh, alright. I came to deliver something." His hand reached behind his back and pulled out three red stockings that weren't previously visible. The stockings were bursting with candies of all sorts: brownies, chocolate bars, hard candies, marshmallows, nougat, pastries…it was enough to make Urahara's grey eyes widen enormously and his mouth to drop open in fascination. His hands slowly reached out, and Ukitake handed the stockings to him with a chuckle. "Hitsugaya-taicho didn't want these," he explained. "Instead of making them go to waste, I took them and sent them to you. You probably want this, considering…" the Thirteenth Division captain surveyed the claustrophobic barrier. "…considering that there is no food in here."

Benihime snickered. _The food was at least a lot better than candy._

"Thank you, Ukitake-taicho," Urahara told the captain, while hissing at his unruly zanpakuto, _Be quiet for once._

"No problem. I'd better be going now…there's paperwork to be done." Urahara detected the slightest grimace in his tone. "See you, Urahara-san." With that, he was gone.

Urahara's face was then buried into the sweets. He grabbed out a few of his favorites and stuffed them ravenously into his mouth. Then another. Then another. Hunger raged so furiously in his stomach that he couldn't control himself. One by one, the sweets went into his mouth then into his stomach. Despite Benihime's warnings that he would get a major cavity, he kept eating.

At last, he was satisfied, and leaned against the walls of the red barrier comfortably. Patting his stomach happily, he silently thanked Ukitake for the first real treat in a long time. It was also a lot better than that…other treat. He flinched at the thought of the Hollow pills, and pushed it out of his memories. The remembrance of the awfully sweet and filling sweets and pastries came back to his thoughts, and he smiled slowly. What a blessing. However, a fire burned in him, something that prompted him to jump up and run around. He cackled maniacally, ran, and crashed into a wall, but he didn't care.

Oh, how joyous he felt! How alive he felt! How…crazy he felt, but it was good feeling.

Happiness swelled inside of him. He started dancing, feeling weightless like a feather, and grabbed his still malformed gigai in the process. He twirled around with it, spinning around with it, then throwing it up into the air. He laughed again and shunpoed toward the wall, managing to run a meter up it before falling to the ground with exhilaration. The gigai fell on him, blacking his vision, and that was the end of his sugar rush. Another laugh escaped his lips, and he sat up, preparing to eat more sweets, but a deadly icy power stopped him.

Urahara looked up in horror. The fluctuations in the reiatsu specifically told him that the person was after the stockings. He wildly thought up a plan, but it would undoubtedly fail; his arms flailed, and he managed to hit Ururu's hat, which she had left behind. His eyes widened, and a lightbulb appeared above his head. Idea: effective.

Toshiro Hitsugaya approached the shop with a venomous attitude. Earlier, Hyourinmaru had scolded him for not stopping Ukitake when he took the candy. Now that it was gone, he wanted it back. He released whopping amounts of reiatsu, hoping that Kisuke Urahara would notice and show up. How did he know his candy was here? …Well, let's just say that he detected Ukitake's reiatsu here. His hand slowly reached toward his zanpakuto, in case he needed it.

He showed up at the door and knocked briskly, lowering his reiatsu as to prevent any further damage. A young girl in pigtails showed up at the door, a hint of fright apparent in her expression. To Hitsugaya's shock, she was taller than he was, although he was older. He clenched his fists and grimaced while thinking, _Why must I be so short? This is exactly why I need the candy!_

"Do you want something?" Ururu's trembling voice shook him out of his thoughts.

"Where is your manager?" he demanded, making Ururu cower back in fear.

"H-he's in the back of the shop."

Hitsugaya nodded, making his way through the labyrinth of boxes and to the rectangle of light in the back. As he reached the door, he noticed the shopkeeper curled up in the corner, grey eyes glaring his way. Shaking his head, he went through the door of the barrier and held out a hand. "Where's the candy?"

"Why, Ukitake-taicho said that you had no use for it," Urahara spoke softly, refusing to budge.

Hitsugaya mentally cursed the older captain. "I asked you a question. You should answer it."

"You have eyes. You should see it," Urahara shot back.

Blood rushed to Hitsugaya's face, but he indeed saw the three stockings lying in the other corner. He strode over and picked them up, the three towering over his head. "Well, I'm glad you didn't eat any," he told the shopkeeper. "I was going to draw Hyourinmaru if you finished them off…" He sighed. "But that's not going to happen. Sorry for the trouble, Urahara. I had thought it was gone for good." Then, he shunpoed off.

Urahara let out a sigh of relief. He drew a brownie out of Ururu's hat and bit on it quietly.

And Hitsugaya? He drew a Hollow pill out of a stocking and ate it.

He didn't know, of course.


	8. Day 8: Hollow Pills 2

Thanks to Dragunity Gemini, The Flying Lion, KuroiTori-sama, and ShunsuiTaicho for reviewing.

Chapter credit: KuroiTori-sama

KuroiTori-sama's idea was Rangiku and Orihime's cooking with the pills. However, I decided that Urahara wouldn't fall for that again, so another person took on the role of the cooking...hope you don't mind. :)

Oh yes, I won't know when I will next update because of a tight schedule...I will sincerely try to write as much as possible, but since I haven't done so in a while, I have a bit of writer's block :( Thankfully, I've written down all the ideas for this story, with the exception of a few empty days. Just a few more ideas, please :)

Enjoy.

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Day Eight: Hollow Pills 2

The icy reiatsu drew nearer and nearer.

Urahara drew in a sharp breath and squeezed himself against the back corner of the barrier. His palms started sweating due to nervousness, and his mouth turned dry inside. His skin prickled, goosebumps forming on his arms. The little Tenth Division captain was somewhere nearby, willing to get Urahara for what he did the other day. He was sure of it. Who wouldn't come back for revenge when an incident like that happened? Urahara was well aware of the aftermath of the pills, and now that he had bestowed it onto another person, namely an easily provoked individual, he was bracing himself for the worst that could happen. His hand slowly reached for Benihime as the reiatsu started to intensify, and his gaze would not tear off of the back of the shop.

_Wimp. How do you know it's the little midget? It could be Tessai, for all we know, _Benihime scoffed. She had spent yesterday in bliss, grinning at the demise of her master as he was bombarded by edibles—rather, imposter edibles—and eating some actual candies of her own. As was typical, she didn't give her master any.

_Tessai doesn't have a reiatsu like this. Keep quiet and prepare to be sent into shikai._

_ I'd rather keep quiet and kick your ass all at the same time._

A shadow appeared at the doorway, long and intimidating. Urahara gulped at the black form; how had it changed so much? So drastically? Hitsugaya seemed a lot taller—the shadow extended farther toward the barrier. His spiky hair was somewhat shorter, little pricks of triangles, and he had gained a ton of muscle on his body. What did he do after eating the pills? Start some nonstop body-building that had miraculous, albeit extreme effects? Was it the effects of the Hollow pills? Urahara had no idea. There was no sign of the katana he carried on his back, and he wore glasses that glinted evilly, even in the shadow…

Wait a minute.

An innocent Tessai walked out the back of the shop, yawning widely and stretching his arms. His corn-rolled hair was dotted with little spikes, and frost took over the remaining areas of his hair. Miniscule bits of ice rested on his shoulders, and his glasses lenses were misty. Urahara blinked stupidly as Tessai rubbed his arms, shivering slightly, and said apologetically, "It was quite cold in the shop when the Tenth Division captain came, Manager. He left a bit of frost on our beds, so my hair stood on end...literally." He then inspected Urahara's look of disbelief and remarked, "You look like you were expecting something that never appeared."

"That's exactly what happened," Urahara replied hoarsely, setting Benihime down with a mix of relief and defeat. At least it wasn't Hitsugaya…but how the hell was he supposed to know it was Tessai?

_I told you, dammit._

Tessai surveyed the claustrophobic area. The clear plastic wrappers from the stockings' candies caught his eye, and the assistant nodded in understanding. "You were expecting him to come and completely beat you to a pulp or freeze you in a glacier, weren't you?" He delicately plucked the wrappers off of the ground and incinerated them with a minor kido. The embers drifted to the ground like snow, glowing faintly from the heat. Once reaching the ground, they disappeared altogether and mixed in with the dirt.

"That's an appropriate way to put it." Urahara slumped to the ground wearily. Sure, he was glad that the revenge was put off until much later and he could live for several more hours. But now, the tension was building, and his stomach was in knots. There was the speculation that Urahara would die of anxiety rather than the overwhelming power of Hitsugaya's bankai. He had no idea which one was worse.

_And a very pleasant way to put it, eh? _Benihime smirked at her master, twirling her hair happily while imagining the torture scene. Of course, she didn't mind. His exaggerated death would at least cause him to shut up about being sexy and whatnot. It would also mean that she would be gone off the face of the earth…well, his earth anyway.

Tessai shrugged. "Well, you could certainly do something else than worrying."

"I'm going to worry if I feel your icy reiatsu near the door. And _do not_," Urahara warned when spotting the glint in his assistant's eyes, "under any circumstances, scare me like that again." He had to admit, however, that the scaring was unintentional and that it left him looking like a total idiot.

"Yes, Manager," Tessai said meekly, and left the barrier.

Urahara sighed. He drew out a nice-looking pastry from one of the stockings and nibbled it slowly while recalling his time yesterday. He had, for once in his week in the barrier, triumphed against someone else on the outside. It was pure genius, although it was simple genius. _Guess that modesty is expected from a sexy man of my level, _he added with a small smile. It was reasonable that he should be happy about it. But, considering that he had angered the most easily provoked captain of the Gotei 13…that wasn't something to be proud of, now was it?

Either way, he could easily beat Hitsugaya.

_Not if I'm on his side, _Benihime grumbled.

-Later-

Hitsugaya strode angrily in his gigai on the streets of Karakura Town, donned in his regular black t-shirt and tight jeans, the stocking of the rest of the Hollow pills clenched tightly in his hand. He would have stomped along if his more mature side hadn't intervened. _How dare that shopkeeper!_ he mused. _He deserved to be exiled from Gotei 13, even if that was more than a hundred years ago and because of a different reason._ The thought of the tricks Urahara played on others during the time he was captain didn't come as a great thought. _Now I get why Soifon hates him so much. _The thought of yesterday's aftereffects weren't pleasant either, but he wasn't willing to go into depth about that.

In short: it was nasty in every sense of the word.

Hitsugaya shook his head to be rid of those thoughts, curling his lip in disgust, and stared straight ahead at his destination. The Kurosaki Clinic soon came into his sight, and it was no different from the last time he had been here; it was still plain, yet neat. The memory of the time when he had appeared from the window while the rest entered through the light fixture entered his mind, but he wouldn't smile. Anger was ruling his thoughts, and his grip on the bag tightened. This would probably be the only chance he could get revenge on the shopkeeper without getting into trouble with the rest of the Gotei 13.

_Knock. Knock._

A lanky teenager with spiky orange hair answered the door, garbed in a white t-shirt and pale blue jeans. The boy yawned in the early morning light, rubbing his eyes. He looked straight ahead. Hitsugaya looked up at him with a mixture of impatience and expectance, but the male simply didn't see him. Frustrated, he stood on his toes, glaring at the person. At long last, when the teen realized that the person who answered the door wasn't as tall as he had expected, he looked down in confusion. Blinking rapidly, Ichigo Kurosaki stammered, "T-toshiro! What are you doing here?"

Even though it had been a while since they had seen each other, the way the former substitute shinigami had addressed him still got on his nerves. A vein pulsed angrily on his forehead, and he retorted, "It's Hitsugaya-taicho to you, Kurosaki! And the next time you answer the door, be sure to consider the person's height!"

"I'm sorry!" Ichigo's cheeks turned red in embarrassment, but a hard look of defiance showed in his eyes. "But you really should get over that, as I could call you something you would hate more." The look then changed to one of questioning. "Anyway, to the main point. What are you doing here?"

Hitsugaya held up the stocking, trying to avoid the sight of them. With the sight came bad memories, and with bad memories came more bad effects. "I believe there is an acquaintance of yours who is of high intelligence and has an affinity for pranks. Although I hate to admit it, I am the victim of one of his pranks." He pointed to the stocking. "As a result, I would like to pay him back. Is there anyone in your house who can create exceptionally good food?"

A sly smile tugged at the corners of Ichigo's mouth. _Heh. Typical of Urahara to set up something like that. _Judging by the appearance and color of the sphere-shaped pills, they weren't entirely edible. Also, the fact that one of the sharpest captains in the Gotei 13 fell for the shopkeeper's prank greatly amused him. But, he was a kid after all, easily influenced by something he greatly desires…

"Stop smirking, Kurosaki, and answer my question," Hitsugaya replied coldly, having a hunch about the death strawberry's thoughts.

Ichigo wiped his face of all emotion and put up an expression of boredom. "Well, Yuzu does most of the cooking here."

"Alright." Hitsugaya's brain gears started turning, and he spoke the idea as the pieces started to be put together. "Tell her to bake something edible with these candies as a filling. Send her to deliver the food to the Urahara Shouten." His heart pulsed with excitement, and the words started to come faster and faster. "Tell her that there is free candy in the back of the shop and send her to retrieve it. I will be back in two hours, and give me the candy then. Thanks, Kurosaki." With that, he walked away, perfectly happy with his plan.

If Kurosaki couldn't carry out his plan…well, who knows what would happen?

Ichigo stared, dumbstruck, at the back of the for once giddy captain. To think that someone like him would request something like this…he was normally a person who would carry out the revenge himself. His attacks were very open and usually not discreet. What was he thinking with that? Although he would never admit it, Toshiro was acting like Aizen, ordering people to do the dirty work for him. He was probably too tired of paperwork, and that might've made him have a longing for actually bossing people around with the exception of dire issues.

The candies gleamed with the same evilness as Tessai's glasses, and Ichigo looked at them alertly. Although he couldn't feel reiatsu anymore, he knew that those pills were nothing good. He had seen Tessai way too many times in the past. And although it may be strange, he could picture Tessai's face on the thin fabric of the stocking. It was Urahara's doing, but he knew well enough that if he pictured Tessai in his mind while doing something, it was never a good sign.

His advice? Run like heck.

However, this wasn't his job to do. It was Yuzu's. She was a curious and innocent individual, and that could be a problem when baking with pills that weren't meant for humans. If she ate one of those, it was over. Ichigo sighed. He knew he had to convince her to do it. Sighing once more, he shook the bag and yelled, "Yuzu! I have something for you to do."

The brown-haired girl quickly scurried into sight. "What is it, Ichi-nii?" she asked, her brown eyes wide with questioning.

"Bake a pie with these." He tossed the bag into her arms, and she fumbled with it as she caught it. "Send it to Urahara-san's shop after you're done, alright? He'll give you a bag of candy afterward for free. Also…" Ichigo put on his best intimidating face, and towered over Yuzu with a snarl. "_You will not eat those candies. _Understood?"

Yuzu, unaffected by Ichigo's expression, blinked rapidly. "Okay. I'll be done in about an hour, Ichi-nii." With that, she hurried off. The sound of cupboards opening and bowls chinking signaled that she was preparing to bake the pie. Ichigo, however, wasn't entirely convinced that she understood what he said. So, he quietly slunk over to the wall connecting the hall with the kitchen and watched her silently.

Yuzu hummed as she worked, rolling the dough, getting out the mixing bowl, mashing the needed ingredients together. The young baker smiled as she got the dough into a perfect texture, smoothing it around the bottom and edges. She mashed the candies with a jam, stirring with a large spoon until it was creamy and smooth. However, she got curious when the jam mix turned into a dark brown. She cautiously picked a still intact candy out of the jam. It was a shade of royal purple, none that she had ever seen before, and it glinted in the light—but it wasn't as if she recognized it. Conflict clouded her thoughts as she stared at the candy.

_Should I try it?_

_ Ichi-nii said not to._

_ It looks good. Maybe it's a grape flavor._

_ Ichi-nii said not to._

_ But I need to bite it in order to see why the jam's all brown._

_ Ichi. Nii. Said. Not. To._

_ Okay, I'll try it!_

Her more serious side lost on that one. With a large smile, she opened her mouth wide and popped it into her mouth.

"SPIT IT OUT!"

With a splutter, she obeyed, but it was more due to reaction than her brother's orders. The candy flew out of her mouth and rolled around on the floor, getting coated with dust and dirt and whatever nasty stuff that landed on the Kurosaki's kitchen floor. Yuzu coughed a moment and was about to protest, but not before Ichigo grabbed the front of her shirt collar.

"Did you taste it?" he growled, and this time the glare was real. However, deep down he was worried for his little sister. If he had eaten it, he probably would have gotten a severe stomachache with revolting results, but if Yuzu had eaten it…he didn't want to think about that.

"N-no…"

A wave of relief washed over him, but he demanded, "Why did you pop it into your mouth? I just told you not to eat any of it. For all we know, it could taste like Ko—" He stopped himself just in time. To Yuzu, Kon wasn't called Kon. "Bostov. You wouldn't want to be eating that, now would you?"

Tears immediately sprung to Yuzu's eyes, and she wiped her eyes. "Ichi-nii!" she wailed. "Don't tell me this!"

_At least it worked…somewhat. _"Look, Yuzu, I don't want you eating these. So, I will be watching you bake the pie and accompanying you to Urahara-san's shop. These candies might taste like Bostov, so you wouldn't want to eat them. "

"Then how come I'm baking something that tastes like Bostov for Urahara-san?" she asked, sniffling. "I don't want anyone eating anything that tastes like my precious Bostov!"

"It, uh, tastes differently to him." Sweat rolled down Ichigo's face. He had gone a little too far with this. If he didn't stop it, Yuzu wouldn't bake the pie, and Hitsugaya would not be a happy camper. Thinking quickly, he fished a human-safe candy from his pocket that he had received from Orihime not too long ago, and bent over the pie. He moved like he stuck his hand in the pie, and weaved the candy between his fingers, making sure to have some jam coating his fingers for 'proof'. He handed the candy to Yuzu, who took it reluctantly. "Here, try it. It won't be Bostov-flavored, I promise. This will prove that you will give Urahara-san a nice meal."

Yuzu carefully placed the candy on her tongue and closed her mouth. She chewed thoughtfully, her gaze flitting up toward the ceiling as she did so. Ichigo bit his lip and crossed his fingers, praying that she would be convinced. _Please make it a good flavor please make it a good flavor please make it a good flavor…_

"Ichi-nii!"

"What?" Moment of truth, coming up.

"It's chocolate flavored! I love this candy! But…" Yuzu paused a moment. "Why wouldn't you let me eat it?"

More sweat drops. "We need to save the best for Urahara-san, right?" he asked hesitantly.

Yuzu frowned a moment, then nodded firmly. "Oops. I was being irresponsible. I'll finish the pie, don't you worry!" And so she went back to work.

An hour later, they arrived at the Urahara Shouten, the fresh-from-the-oven pie resting in Yuzu's arms. Ichigo rapped his knuckles on the door and stepped aside. Yuzu went up to the door, full of smiles, and went face-to-face with Jinta after the door opened.

"Who…!" Once Jinta found out who he was yelling at, his face was as red as his hair. "Oh…Yuzu! I'm so sorry…I…" He was breathless, wordless, at the beauty of the youngest Kurosaki. Her light brown hair…her kind eyes…her absolutely cute smile…he had never seen anyone quite like her, and wouldn't have anyone different. "…Do you want something? I'll give you half the store's candies for free!" He started sweating profusely, and was getting antsy. If he messed up her order…oh, what she would think of him…

Ichigo, who was standing under a nearby tree, rolled his eyes at the redhead. _Kids can't get much worse than that._

"No, thank you. I heard there was some free candy in the back of the shop. Also, could you send this pie to Urahara-san? Tell him it's from me!"

"Okay." Blushing furiously, he took the pie from Yuzu's hands, and the aroma nearly swept him off his feet. To imagine a girl who would cook so well…he licked his lips subconsciously. "Well…what free candy do you want?"

"A bag in the back of the shop."

Jinta nodded hurriedly, dashing to the barrier. Urahara looked up, disgruntled, as Jinta set the pie as his feet. "It's from Yuzu," he blurted out, then snatched the bag of candy and ran out of the barrier and into the shop. Urahara blinked, then fully realized what Jinta was intending; he nearly tripped over the pie and scrambled after his assistant, but slammed into the barrier wall. Dazed and bruised, he fell backwards, and his hand touched the pie. He looked at it curiously, sliding it over to his side and inspecting it carefully.

Once Yuzu received the candy from the love-struck Jinta, she smiled happily and followed her brother back to the clinic. On the way back, she drew a sweet-looking donut out of the bag and set it to her mouth…

"SPIT IT OUT!"

Yuzu frowned at her brother. "I didn't eat it. Why can't I eat this?" She put the donut back into the stocking, staring longingly at its powdered surface.

"It's a present for someone else. Sorry, Yuzu, I forgot to tell you that part. Here…" He handed Yuzu some money, enough to buy a couple snacks for the afternoon. "I apologize for having you do all this stuff for other people…but the requests were really sudden, and you were the best one for the job. Treat yourself for an afternoon. I'll go back home." Ichigo sprinted off, leaving Yuzu to stare confusedly at him. He paused to check the time from a nearby shop. It was nearly two hours since Toshiro came; time was nearly up. He rounded the corner, expecting to see the white-haired captain waiting for him.

Indeed, Hitsugaya was waiting, his hands folded across his chest. His eyes slowly widened as he saw Ichigo running like heck toward him, and his grin stretched from ear to ear when seeing the bulging bag in his hands. As Ichigo skidded to a halt, panting, Hitsugaya extended an arm and took the bag. "I didn't think you'd come, Kurosaki," he commented, eating the donut that Yuzu had taken out. The sweetness of the powdered sugar improved his mood by quite a lot. At least the candy wasn't in Urahara's hands anymore.

"If I didn't come, I wouldn't know what to prepare for," Ichigo retorted, opening the door to the clinic.

"Fair point. Bye, Kurosaki." With that, he ran off and disappeared.

In the barrier, Urahara held the pie gingerly, slowly turning it in his hands. The smell of it was enough to make saliva drip from his mouth, and the dough looked so delicate and tasty. Yuzu must've spent a lot of time making this delicacy. He took the fork that was embedded in the pie, holding it up to eye level and frowning at it. It was coated with the brown filling, and it closely resembled fudge. His tongue swiped across the fork. Nothing bad.

However, there was a taste that he couldn't quite place in his mind.

_It's…_Benihime warned, but immediately shut up. She knew what it was once she felt that strange feeling in her mouth as well. But…why not torture her master once more? The first torture, Tessai and his icy reiatsu, was unintended. If Kurosaki's sister had baked this, it was unintended as well. But young girl hadn't known. She wasn't the most recent owner of the pills. That little midget was. Benihime smirked. He must've told her to bake the pie.

_What is it, Benihime?_

_ It's…wow, it's amazing! I've never eaten anything like it! Seriously, master, try it!_

Urahara frowned at his zanpakuto's cheesy ecstasy. But, when he stared at the pie, the saliva turned into a mini waterfall, dampening his pants. His craving for it increased exponentially. Jinta had taken the stockings for no apparent reason, and this is what he had left as an exceptionally good meal. So, why not? He dug the fork into the pie, scooped up a small chunk, and stuck it into his mouth.

Chew. Swallow. Chew.

_Crunch._

No more than a few seconds later, Urahara felt like he was socked in the stomach by Komamura's bankai. Then another. Then another. As he bent down, clutching his stomach and gritting his teeth, he stuck his hand into the filling and drew out the crushed remains of the pills. He looked up at the sky with a scowl and yelled furiously, "Damn you, you Tenth Division captain!"

Hitsugaya sneezed loudly, but chuckled slightly afterward, taking out a pastry from the bag and gulping it down.

_In your face, Urahara._


	9. Day 9: Too Sexy For You

Thanks to Oxman, I. LoVe. GrImMjOw, pjmunky, Dragunity Gemini, KuroiTori-sama, Writing bunny, and The Flying Lion for reviewing.

Oh yeah, to The Flying Lion...I'm not sure how to interpret your review. I'm not offended or anything, just a bit confused as to whether you meant it as a good thing or bad thing. I don't mind, but I'm just wondering.

This is a quick update because I'm going on vacation soon, and I wanted to post a chapter before I left. Thus, this chapter is a bit short.

Enjoy!

* * *

Day Nine: Too Sexy For You

Urahara's day yesterday could be sorted into numbers.

Tessai's reiatsu made it drop a few degrees Celcius. Jinta's love meter was way up in the hundreds and he also took Urahara's bag of twenty-plus sweets. Yuzu baked a pie with some 200 plus calories, 35 grams of sugar, and 50 mashed up Hollow pills. One forkful was enough to nearly bust Urahara's stomach. Benihime's acting skills were a -5/10. Hitsugaya's evilness? Off the scale for that one. One stomach earthquake is greater than or equal to one pie made with Hollow pills. With all that, his misfortune was unable to be counted, but it didn't really matter after all that; Urahara perfectly knew that if he could not count or understand his misfortune level, he was, well, doomed.

Because of yesterday, his first thought when he woke up in the morning was, _I'm doomed._

_ If I'm going to be included in what bad stuff happens today, you're dead._

_ I realized that a while ago, Benihime._

_ Really? I never noticed._

_ Be quiet. _Urahara did, however, sincerely hope that Benihime would not throw herself into the fray today…that is, if something actually happened. The least that he wanted was for some tranquility. Peace and quiet. That gift got deposited elsewhere in someone else's life, namely Benihime's. At least one thing had happened to him every day since he had been trapped. Food. Expired medicine. Clothes that still lay in the far corner of the barrier. An escapade that ended up scarring his courage. Dancing by an electric kido. Hiding candy from an icy captain. The last one in the epic saga was the candy revenge.

Would something happen to him today? He prayed that it wouldn't. But, in the end, it wouldn't go his way.

A black cat trotted into the clearing, turning its head to look at Urahara. Urahara stared warily back at it, folding his arms and waiting. The cat didn't move, its yellow eyes pinned on Urahara's face. Urahara rolled his eyes, awaiting a response from the cat. Spin, roll, laugh with mirth (if possible), lick its paw, groom itself, anything. However, the feline didn't move an inch. Finally, after a dramatic yet eventless staring contest between animal and shinigami, the cat did a curious thing—it raised a paw, waved cheekily at Urahara with a cat smirk, and walked into the barrier. "Sorry that I haven't visited in a while, Kisuke," it said apologetically, positioning itself in front of Urahara.

"Even if you were here through all my bouts of misery, you wouldn't be of any help." Urahara replied glumly, closing his eyes wearily and dousing himself in darkness.

"Hmph," the cat scoffed. "That was my greeting, and all you say is that I wouldn't be any help? That's very nice, Kisuke. At least acknowledge me a bit." It raised a paw, bent its head, and started scratching behind its ears.

"I apologize, Yoruichi. Happy now?" Despite the appearance of his old friend, he wasn't happy. Who could be happy after being imprisoned for such a long time? After being trapped by Hachigen, his karma had drastically gotten worse. He didn't know anyone who had such bad luck except for Ichigo. His luck might be viewed as humorous for some, but there was no way he appreciated any of it. Sure, his 'sexy man' optimism might have slightly lifted his spirits, but there was no way he could reverse the tide of events.

"Barely. What happened to you? I haven't seen you like this in a hundred years. Sum it up in ten words or less. If I hear how terrible your days have been, I might be able to help." Yoruichi Shihoin flicked her black tail expectantly.

Urahara sighed, pressing his fingers against his temples and rubbing furiously, trying to ease his throbbing head. "I've nearly died almost every single day for eight days."

Yoruichi blanked, sweat rolling down her head. "Oh."

"Ten words exactly. A bit exaggerated, I'll admit that, but it really does explain what happened for those days." He frowned, and a tricky question entered his wonderings…how did all this misfortune happen anyway? It seemed as if the moment Hachigen put him into the barrier, he was destined for torture. Any of those events could have happened any day, but they just had to line themselves up for when Urahara was helpless in a somewhat comical way. One right after another, just like when Ururu fired the pills from her giant cannon. Also, why did all of those people visit him? He was a supposed traitor to Soul Society, so it didn't make any sense as to why Ukitake and Hitsugaya came. Ukitake could've just sent the candy to someone in Soul Society, which would have saved Urahara a load of trouble. The humans also visited him, but why then? Orihime's reason was that she was bored. Uryuu's reason was that Orihime told him.

Then it hit him.

"Hachigen has a curse that he can put upon people!" Urahara declared, pointing to the sky and leaping to his feet, his jaw jutting out in defiance. There was no other explanation. It had to be this! He knew there was something suspicious about Hachigen from that moment! But then again, he didn't suppose a Vizard with a pink mustache and a black cross-bone design atop his head was very trustworthy. Triumph and anger boiled inside of him, and he charged up to the barrier, pounding against it with his fists. "Tessai!" he yelled. "Tell that former lieutenant of yours to stop that kido curse or whatever!"

Yorucihi watched her friend with embarrassment, but she was confused as to how to react. She didn't know whether to laugh at Urahara's reaction or cry because of his stupidity. Hachigen was a kido master, one who specialized in making barriers. As far as she knew, there was no kido that could impose bad fortune on a person. Urahara's summary made it sound like his mishaps were of a zanpakuto ability. The only person who could cause such pain in life with a zanpakuto was Aizen, and she knew that he knew as well. Perhaps his impatience and building insanity were impairing his judgment.

Then again, perhaps she could help him. She had dealt with an anger-insane Soifon before. She could handle this, too, but not in the way she did with Soifon. Slowly, she began to morph into her human form. "Kisuke," she said softly.

"Tessai! Come out already!"

"Kisuke."

"Tessai! Where are you? Come out here this instant!"

"Kisuke."

"What is it?" Urahara snarled, turning around, not noticing the change in pitch in Yoruichi's voice. Due to this missed detail, he was not prepared for what stood in front of him, and his anger vanished immediately. It was not a cat…it was a nicely curved tanned female body. He could feel his face turn as red as the 'box' as his gaze traveled up and down, soaking in every beautiful detail. Although he didn't realize it, he was slowly inching forward toward Yoruichi, and his arms were slowly extending.

Oh, the sexiness! Urahara licked his lips subconsciously.

Benihime acted in fury, sprinting, leaping up and delivering a roundhouse kick to Urahara's cheek. In his inner world and outer world, Urahara's head abruptly jerked sideways, a small purple bruise starting to form on his face. Benihime clenched her fists, steam shooting out of her ears. _How dare you do that to a lady! _she yelled. _Especially when she has a dire lack of clothes!_

Urahara patted his bruise, slightly disgruntled yet blushing like heck. _Well, she could have morphed into her clothes if she had brought any. _But, admittedly, he preferred what was currently in front of him. Damn, he had never seen anything quite as good as this.

_ Well, yes, I'll admit that her forgetting to bring clothes is rather ridiculous, but as a proclaimed 'man'…you…you…you damned PERVERT!_

Yoruichi folded her arms across her chest, smirking slightly. Her plan seemed to work—at least he didn't run off screaming as loud as a Hollow. His occupation as a part time pervert seemed to divert him from cussing at the former Kido Corps captain and lieutenant. In fact, she was slightly surprised at Urahara's severely diminished reaction. Where were the major bloody nose and the flying-into-the-air-from-shock-that-defies-physics? Well, she was glad that neither of those things happened…yet. She addressed Urahara with, "You just got attacked by your zanpakuto, didn't you?"

He stared back at her with a "no duh" response, then his gaze traveled slightly down again.

She smirked and walked toward him, none too embarrassed about what she was _not _wearing. Urahara's eyes started to widen slowly…first the size of regular eyes, then oranges, then a soccer ball, then the size of his hat…then his nose started to bleed, trickling down to the grass in a small puddle. Nothing too drastic angst-wise. Yoruichi stepped closer, tempting Urahara to raise his arms again. _There goes the bloody nose, _she remarked. She grinned and remarked, "You still haven't lost the reaction, have you?"

"N-no…" he admitted, scooting a bit closer. _Ah, yes! That's it! Come closer…_

WHAM!

His head jerked to the other side, and now his cheeks were tinted purplish-red with an injury caused by an invisible force. In his inner world, Benihime stood over the cowering Urahara, a katana in her hand. She twirled it menacingly, and her reiatsu intensified. _You. Damned. PERVERT! I suppose all supposedly sexy men are perverts. But how dare you! Stop reaching for her like you're going to eat her or something!_

_ I'm not going to eat her! No! If I did so I wouldn't see her again!_

_ THEN WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?_

_ I'm worshipping a goddess, obviously!_

_ If Soifon heard that, she'd kick your ass to hell._

_ Bah! Who cares about Soifon right now! _

Soifon sneezed somewhere in Soul Society. She blinked in confusion, wondering why someone would be mentioning her at this point of time. Then, with a shrug, she continued with the paperwork on her desk. It wasn't important…or so she thought.

Yoruichi stood over Urahara, smiling. Her hopes were that she at least loosened Urahara's spirits a bit. By the look of it, she was doing a pretty good job at it, too. A snicker escaped from her lips as she thought, _Man, I didn't know I had this power to calm people down. _Sweat then rolled down her forehead as she added dryly, _But I didn't know I had the power to make men go like _this.

She still anticipated Urahara's knockout. The bloody nose stage was in effect, which wasn't quite a pleasant sight. And plus, if he kept trying to reach for her, she would have to knock him out eventually. So, what was left? Nothing really except for knocking him out. However, she didn't have to knock him out with a deadly barrage from shunko. She could do it the way Urahara liked it.

Her smile widened until her mouth was twitching from soreness. She allowed three seconds for his custom style knock-out. She took a step. _Three. _Urahara's jaw fell to the ground like it was supporting a heavy bag of lead, and he took a step back. The only thought that ran through his mind in this very second was, _I think this is a bit too early…_

_Two. _She took another step forward, and Urahara took another step back to find himself pressed against the barrier. It wasn't as if he wanted to avoid her; the beauty of her body was stunning, and if he got too close…_Yoruichi-san, it's still too early!_

_One. _The final step. Yorucihi then got a bit too close for comfort with a dazzling smile, and one bounce—not from her feet—was enough to make his eyes spin wildly and have stars revolving around his head. The_ bounce _managed to skim the surface of his chin, and his eyes transformed into giant cartoonish hearts, and he went "Ooooh!" fanboy style. Urahara then slumped to the ground, unconscious, but his lips were curled up into a drunken smile.

Yoruichi stood, sighing. There went the knockout. Exactly as she planned. Exactly as he wanted. She had no idea of knowing, but he seemed like he enjoyed it. Benihime didn't have to complain about her master being unconscious, but she certainly had the right to complain about him being seduced. Nothing was wrong now…except she was bored out of her mind.

What to do, what to do…

At about the same time, Ichigo was nearing the shop, an apology note in hand. He was there for the sole purpose of apologizing to Urahara about the pie. Yuzu didn't know, of course, so she couldn't say sorry. Hitsugaya was never going to apologize to the former captain, so Ichigo was stuck with the task. After all, he was second behind Hitsugaya in the plan for revenge. He had agreed to work with Hitsugaya—rather, work for him, but that was only because of fear for his life. As he wasn't a shinigami anymore, he wouldn't be able to survive the moment Hitsugaya would release his zanpakuto.

Actually, he wouldn't be actually able to see when Hitsugaya would go into shikai, so that meant he would die without knowing when.

…

What a great thought.

The door to the shop was wide open, and he walked in without bothering to call out. The teenager looked around the dusty shop, alert for when Tessai would pounce on him or bellow until his eardrums shattered. However, the place was deserted of people for some apparent reason…Tessai, Ururu, and Jinta probably went out to restock on supplies. Ichigo then turned around, checking to see if Urahara's assistants were just coming back, but he spotted a note. It read, "Not selling items at this moment. The assistants are out, and the manager is unavailable. However, if you attempt to steal, you will face the w_rath of Tessai Tsukabishi._" A poorly drawn picture of Tessai's evil expression was shown after that, and a severely disfigured smiley face followed. "Have a nice day!"

Ichigo sighed and shook his head. Talk about abnormal. But what did it mean when Urahara was unavailable? He frowned, sure that Urahara couldn't have been on vacation or anything. He needed to stay in the shop at all times. Out of suspicion, he sneaked around the crowded shop. Craning his neck to look around, he called out, "Urahara-san!"

No response.

Curious now, he walked a bit further into the shop, hoping to catch a glimpse of the green and white bucket hat. However, the shop was strangely devoid of any people. Ichigo was about to give up all hope in finding the shopkeeper when a rectangle of light with a shadow extending out of it caught his eye, and he slowly inched toward the back door.

_Huh. Never knew this place existed. Come to think of it, I've never—_

His thoughts stopped abruptly at the sight before him. There was a tanned female body standing over a sitting unconscious Urahara—in a lawn that didn't have any form of privacy protection. The purple-haired woman turned to look at the poor, embarrassed witness. After realizing who stood by the door, she blinked and waved lazily at Ichigo. "Hey, Ichigo. It's been a while." She then fully turned toward him, not minding her shameless act of no clothing.

Ichigo started shaking badly. Memories of when he infiltrated Soul Society to rescue Rukia entered his mind, and he pointed at her with a trembling finger. His face flushed until the point that his head could be mistaken for an orange-fuzzed tomato. "Y…y…" he stammered, trying to fight the sensation of a nosebleed. "Yoruichi-san…"

"Brings back memories, doesn't it?" With a cat-like grin, she took a step forward. That sent Ichigo running back to his home like he had regained his shunpo ability. In his haste, his note was dropped, and it floated to the ground. Yoruichi picked it up inquiringly, and read the contents of the note.

_Urahara-san…sorry for all the trouble yesterday. Toshiro, as you know, is the one who set all this up. I had to follow his orders, but who wouldn't when their life is on the line? Yuzu doesn't know about this, so please don't get mad at her. I really hope you enjoyed the crust of the pie, though, because that was really the only edible part._

_ …Oh, and also, don't set up any traps for me when you sense me coming. I'm not a shinigami anymore, so I doubt that I'll survive any of your pranks. I don't care if it's someone else who just randomly appeared at your place—I'll consider them a trap if you manage to scare anyone off, myself included._

_ Be careful next time, will you?_

_ -Ichigo_

As Yoruichi read the second paragraph, curiosity built up inside of her. Then amusement. Then anger. Her hands shook with fury as she finished the letter, and she tossed it to the ground.

Her? As a trap? Even if she was…unintended?

And she had…scared him…

Yoruichi rolled up an invisible sleeve, leaped onto the roof of the shop, and sprinted toward the direction Ichigo ran off, despite the fact that her clothes were somewhere off in oblivion. Also known as: she didn't care about the fact that she didn't have any clothes on, and was preparing to run through the streets of Karakura town to give Ichigo Kurosaki a good piece of his mind.

Look out, pervy guys. Yoruichi Shihoin is on the loose.


	10. Day 10: Who are You Calling a Clown?

Thanks to Writing bunny, Amaterasu Ai, KuroiTori-sama, The Flying Lion, and Dragunity Gemini for reviewing.

First update of 2011...in the second month -.-

But yeah, I got the question of whether or not Yoruichi was in her gigai when she transformed. Truthfully, I have never figured this one out either, but it might be possible for shinigami to use their powers in gigais. For instance, the Vizards...they're in gigais and the people at Karakura High can see them, and they can use their powers...so, I'm not really sure.

Second question from Writing bunny: how did Urahara go to the bathroom? This will be revealed in this chapter :)

* * *

Day Ten: Who are You Calling a Clown?

A pale hand rose up to the sky, fingers twitching as if grabbing for something. The other hand followed, swatting away invisible forces that dared interfere with its counterpart's business. Urahara sat up slowly, mumbling gibberish, his eyes closed; as most could tell, he wasn't entirely conscious. His arms stuck out in front of him stiffly like a robot, then started swaying like leaves, his fingers still attempting to grab someone—namely, a naked beauty who had ran off chasing a substitute shinigami the other day. However, she was obviously not there, but he wasn't aware of that fact. "Yoruichi-chan…" he drawled, getting to his feet slowly and ambling around aimlessly in the barrier. "Come here, Yoruichi-chan~!"

The shopkeeper continued to tromp around like a zombie, trying to feel for a slender female figure that didn't exist at the moment. Whenever he bumped into the walls of the barrier, he would blindly feel around for curves, but when he felt that it was completely flat and smooth, he would curse and push it away. "Yoruichi-chaaan…" Oh, where would his girl be? He was getting impatient, and started to stomp on the ground like a small child. After his ten-second tantrum, he continued to walk with his arms outstretched.

It was then he bumped into someone.

Urahara knew it was a person, as the feel of a human was dramatically different from a kido barrier. The renowned pervert smiled goofily, his eyes still closed, and ran his hands up and down the person whom he presumed was Yoruichi. To his surprise, he felt as if Yoruichi had gotten a lot larger…her muscles were much more refined, her waist seemed to be wider than normal…when his hands ran up to the chest—his favorite part of a female's anatomy—he frowned, groped some more, and gasped.

Something wasn't right.

Something wasn't right.

Something. Was. Not. Right.

"Yoruichi-chan…" Urahara whimpered, crying waterfalls and hugging the person sorrowfully. "Why…why…" His words caught into his throat; he couldn't say the words. They didn't dare come…rather, he didn't want to say them. Finally, after summoning up just about all of his reserves of courage, he cried, "Why has your chest diminished and become so…_flat_?"

This was a CATASTROPHE!

A moment of awkward silence ensued, only broken by Urahara's gasping sobs. The person finally stepped backward, but Urahara followed, wanting to know the drastic truth. There was the sound of another step back, and another, and another until it had been a rapid thumping on the soft grass. The shopkeeper chased after the person, relying on his listening skills. He couldn't see where he was going, and he thought his auditory skills were good enough. But even with exceptional auditory skills, he couldn't anticipate the moment he crashed into a wall of the barrier. Urahara ran face-first into the noteworthy firm wall and slumped to the ground.

You could describe it as being unconscious while being unconscious.

There was another hesitant moment of silence, and slow and cautious footsteps sounded. A shadow was cast over the shopkeeper, and a rough hand gripped Urahara's shirt collar. Urahara was only slightly aware when he was hoisted up into the air. When his feet left the ground, he looked up, still blind to his surroundings, and waved cheekily. "Hello, Yoruichi-chan! Sorry I had to do this, but I asked you a question and you wouldn't tell me what the answer was!"

The person sighed and set Urahara down on the ground none-too-lightly. "…Manager, please wake up from whatever fantasy you're dreaming at the moment."

Three things Urahara deduced from this 'mysterious' voice:

One. It was not Yoruichi's voice. It didn't have that mischievous spark about it. It wasn't silky, it wasn't beautiful, it wasn't sexy…

Ahem.

Two. Not only was it not Yoruichi's voice, it was not a woman's voice. (Unfortunately.)

Three. Only one person called him 'Manager' with such a deep tone.

Urahara's eyes snapped open, and when he saw Tessai standing before him, he blinked, waved again, and greeted, "Hello, Tessai! What are you doing here? Where's Yoruichi?"

Tessai glared at his boss. "Manager, do you have any idea of what you were doing?"

"I was looking for Yoruichi…" Urahara trailed off at this when he noticed that the dark-skinned female wasn't there. The only person who was there was Tessai. Could he have…Urahara's brain automatically shoved the idea out. There was no way that he could've touched Tessai! No. Possible. Way! "So who was the flat-chested lady I was feeling?" he asked curiously, smiling like he had no care in the world.

Benihime smacked her forehead multiple times. _Oh Seireitei! _she muttered. _Look what your history's greatest dumbass has done now! He's gone and called his assistant a flat-chested lady! _

Urahara froze at Benihime's laments. His mind tried to dispose of the idea once more, but the idea was fighting back. He looked at Tessai, who was clearly pissed off. Benihime was exasperated as hell, but she always was. But this was a special case—she hadn't…

Benihime's foot connected with Urahara's cheek.

…Hit him yet.

Benihime growled in frustration. _Dammit, you fool! Don't you know the phrase 'think before you act'? And why in the history of Seireitei did you feel him…?_

_ Him? _Urahara's heart skipped a beat.

_Duh. Why else does Tessai look mega pissed?_

His head turned slowly to look at his assistant. There, on his blue apron, were two matted tracks that started from the chest and ended at his hip. At the chest area, it was crinkled. And, s_trangely _enough, it looked like hands had grabbed it. Urahara's eyes darted from his hands to Tessai's wrinkled apron. His hands rose up and, palms facing Tessai's apron, Urahara compared the size and shape of his hands and the hand marks on the apron. "Hm…no, I couldn't have possibly done that, my hands are too big for those wrinkles…"

Benihime violently pushed him forward, and he lurched toward Tessai. His hands landed on the matted spot, and much to his horror, they were exactly the same size. Nervous grey eyes flitted up to meet a furious glasses gaze, and the shopkeeper backed up. "T-tessai…" he stammered, trying to put as much distance between them as possible. "I'm sorry…"

"Hado Eleven: Tsuzuri Raiden!"

A bang and a comical scream soon ensued.

-Two hours later-

"I told you I was sorry, Tessai!"

_Tch. Like that was convincing._

"Hmph! What you had done is unforgivable! And I've never seen a shinigami mistake a male for a female! Even if you couldn't see me, you could've at least sensed my reiatsu!"

"You didn't have to stand there! What were you trying to do, launch another surprise attack?"

_It's too bad he didn't._

"I was going to wake you up, Manager! You didn't have to chase me and immediately assume that I was Yoruichi!"

"Well, I would've preferred that Yoruichi would wake me up."

_You forgot to mention that a requirement for that is being naked._

…

"I'm going."

"Eh? Where?"

_That's a stupid question. _

"Just to take a break from all this. I'll come back, don't worry, but I need to calm down and forget that all this happened."

"…Alright."

_THAT'S ALL YOU HAVE TO SAY, DUMBASS?_

Urahara watched dully as Tessai disappeared into the shop. There went his source of food and his main alarm clock. His normally good mood also vanished with his assistant. Nothing had gone right so far, and it didn't seem like anything would for the next few hours. Maybe he could have an uneventful day today, as Tessai was gone. After all, his assistant was the cause of four days of pain and helped with the rest in some way, allowing his manager to get sent to his daily doom. If Tessai really was the cause of all of his misfortunes, then he really should feel grateful that he was gone.

But, of course, human nature never worked like that. Neither did his karma.

Approximately ten minutes later, a familiar yet vague reiatsu was sensed near the doorway. Urahara raised his head warily as a person came out—namely, a shinigami captain with black-and-white makeup on his face and a yellow-toothed variation of the Cheshire Cat's signature grin. Mayuri Kurotsuchi smirked at his former captain and gave a small wave. "Hello, Urahara. How's life living inside the box?"

"That's none of your business," Urahara replied sourly. "How's managing the 12th Division looking like a ridiculous clown? I've noticed you look much different than a hundred and ten years ago."

Kurotsuchi narrowed his golden eyes menacingly. "You're one to talk, you dolt. You not only looked like a clown back then, you acted like a clown and had the intelligence of one as well. It's a wonder how you ever became a captain."

"Hmph. Considering you were the vice-president of the Shinigami Research Institute way back then, anyone would assume you got influenced by my ways," Urahara said dryly, rolling his eyes. "What do you want, anyway? It seems that so many people from the Gotei 13 are visiting me for no reason."

"I heard about your condition from that 10th division midget. He said that you were encaged in this interesting red barrier that you couldn't exit out of." Kurotsuchi stepped halfway into the barrier; to Urahara, it looked like the walls of the barrier had cut through him in a vertical fashion. The captain then stepped inside and inspected the unfurnished confined space with a critical eye. "That's all you have?" he asked with dissatisfaction. "Just a phone, your zanpakuto, your hat, a pillow, and your skin?" At that last one, he nodded toward the inflatable gigai cover that Urahara never got to finish.

"That's a gigai."

"Is that so? I see you also got some rotting food and an extra change of clothes that you never got around to changing. Why have you never gotten anything else?"

"I believe Captain Hitsugaya told you that I can't exit this. And plus, I was only allowed five items."

"You make it sound like you needed to have five items in order to have access to the barrier. Is that really what you mean, simpleton? Or did you not know about being trapped inside this one doozy of a contraption before you were sent to gather your five items?"

When Urahara refused to comment, Kurotsuchi gave a tight-lipped smile. "I see. Since you look so uncomfortable, how about I give you some accommodations? For instance, a squat toilet."

Benihime sighed. _Some accommodation._

For the first time in ten days, Urahara agreed with his zanpakuto. "A regular toilet would be much more preferable." Cold grey eyes narrowed at Kurotsuchi's twitching grin. "So, what's the price?" Of course, when it came to the current captain of the 12th Division, nothing came without a price. Urahara knew what to expect before the words escaped Kurotsuchi's mouth.

"An experiment on you, obviously."

"If that's the price for just a toilet, then the deal's off."

The other shinigami huffed in frustration. "Fine. I'll install a toilet, a dresser, a curtain for privacy, a shower, and many other different items of use. If you have not noticed, the smell of this barrier is malodorous. Another special feature will be that the accommodation will be that it is only visible to you and only able to be sensed by you. Other peoples' reiatsu won't allow them to see it, so your special additions will remain a secret."

"Then what's the point of a curtain?"

"Good point."

A sigh escaped Urahara's lips, and his gaze shifted to the side. "Why are you offering to do this for me?"

"So I can experiment on you, of course."

"I'll offer you some food instead of you experimenting on me."

Kurotsuchi snorted. "Tch. Coward. If you really don't want to offer yourself as an experiment, then I'll accept food. Make it fish, then."

Fish? Urahara's eyebrows furrowed, and a slight frown found its way onto his face. If he could remember, Orihime and Rangiku's food didn't contain fish. It might taste like rotten fish, but he knew perfectly well that his former subordinate would not eat that food. He looked at the food sitting in the corner—suddenly, he had found his payment in fish.

"Deal. Make one of those take-out boxes, if you would please."

Kurotsuchi narrowed his eyes at Urahara. His expression had changed; instead of the previous bitter personality he had assumed a minute before, he now seemed…happy. An all too familiar look of mischief was visible in his eyes, and Kurotsuchi knew not to trust that. "You can't make fish out of that dump of decomposing edibles," he challenged. "There is no way."

"You won't believe how wrong you are," Urahara replied simply. "Get to work already. You want your fish, clown?"

The 'clown' pursed his lips, but he set to work anyway.

-Two hours later-

"Finished," the Twelfth Division captain announced.

Urahara squinted, but nothing was visible in his peripheral vision. He blinked once. Twice. Thrice. A pinch to the arm. Yet, nothing appeared, and his eyes now saw black spots, which only made him blink more rapidly. After trying to get over this little headache, he asked, "Where's the furniture?"

"Come here," Kurotsuchi replied smoothly, beckoning with two fingers.

Urahara foolishly complied and slammed into the back of a dresser, which had _suddenly _appeared in front of him. Groaning, he rubbed his officially sore forehead and closed his eyes. When he opened them, the dresser disappeared again. And, again, he walked forward and crashed into the piece of furniture.

Shaking his head at the fool, Kurotsuchi called, "You know, you can only see it if you touch it. I can't see any of the objects right now, but your reiatsu tells me where everything is."

"That's great. It only means I have a chance of stepping into my own toilet." Urahara carefully stepped around the dresser, his hands running across the smooth wood to keep track of where it was.

A wide grin was the response. "Indeed. Where's the fish?"

"Would you mind telling me where the take-out box is?"

"Idiot. Stop running your hands up and down the dresser like it's some lady."

Urahara glared, but he let his hands drop to his side.

Kurotsuchi smirked. "Good clown. Look up and you'll find what you're looking for."

Urahara tilted his head to find a floating—a what seemed to be floating—container. It was one of the only things that were visible without being touched, including the food. He touched the dresser, and it was revealed to be what was making the box 'float'. Also atop the dresser were the food and the clothes. Urahara grabbed the container, stuffed one of the food items into the box, and closed it shut. He carelessly tossed it to Kurotsuchi, saying, "Thanks for making me partially blind. Hope this is equal in payment."

"You better watch what you're saying, Urahara."

"Just go."

"Fine." With that, he was gone and out of sight.

Letting out a huff of relief that the captain was gone, Urahara stretched his arms out in front of him and started cautiously feeling around, taking small, tentative steps. He wasn't enjoying this one bit. Kurotsuchi could sense where everything was, but how could he? His reiatsu was all over the place, so how was he supposed to figure out where everything was without touching it? The only thing he knew the location of was the dresser, which was planted square in the middle of the barrier.

Doing this reminded him of the morning; he was feeling around once more, walking extremely slowly again, and somewhat blind. This time, he was blind with his eyes wide open, which didn't make him feel any more comfortable. As he took arduous baby steps toward nowhere in particular, he started asking himself questions.

When was Tessai going to come back?

How was he going to manage to find everything in the small barrier?

Would Kurotsuchi really take his payment?

This thought made him unaware of the small slope in front of him. It sent him falling forward slightly, and he emitted a yelp as he lost his balance. As soon as his feet touched some rather mushy material, he sprang back to the grass. The object he had stepped on had disappeared, but the stuff on his feet was not. The bottoms of his wooden sandals were covered with a dark brown gunk. Also known as, to put it childishly, poop.

Urahara was at a loss for words as he briefly inspected his shoes. What he saw took the words 'unsightly' and 'revolting' to a new level; his head jerked back up, and his eyes didn't dare wander down to the ground.

_That's nasty! _Benihime shrieked, jumping back in fright. _You better find the shower before the smell of your excrement fills the whole barrier!_

_ …Yeah, although it already smells horrible, like Kurotsuchi pointed out. _Urahara grimaced. Groping around, he quickly found the handle and yanked it down, the contents of the toilet swishing down into a previously invisible sewer system. He then leaped over the toilet, not daring to look at his feet. As Kurotsuchi had promised, it was a squat toilet. However, he hadn't bothered to flush for quite obvious reasons. The worst part was that the feces in the toilet were Urahara's.

How? Tessai had asked him how he had gone to the bathroom a couple days ago. The only option for Urahara was to blast a hole in the ground, do what he needed to do, and cover it up with dirt again. He had continuously done this to relieve himself and maybe fertilize the grass—but that sounds quite awkward, doesn't it? Anyway, Kurotsuchi had somehow managed to find his makeshift toilet…but Urahara didn't want to know why the clown was searching for that in the first place.

The shower was quickly located—thankfully, it was much more decent than the toilet—and Urahara washed his sandals as fast as possible, averting his eyes from his shoes. He wouldn't be able to see the Twelfth Division captain the same way again. Growling, he muttered, "At least the 'fish' will be good payback."

-Soul Society-

Kurotsuchi smirked as he sat down in his laboratory, opening the box that Urahara had given him. "He should be having a good time," he said aloud, chuckling. "Hopefully he fell into that squat toilet. I kept my promise, so he shouldn't be too mad." When he looked inside the box, he frowned.

Sitting inside the container was a half-eaten pie, a fork stuck inside of it. Dark purple jam clung to the sides of the crust, and in it seemed to be berries of some sort.

"What an idiot. This isn't fish," he muttered, and prepared to throw it away, but Urahara's words echoed inside his head.

_You won't believe how wrong you are._

He growled and set it back onto his desk. There was no way Urahara could make fish out of pie. No kido or zanpakuto could do that. But—he hated the idea of it—Urahara might not be lying. He wasn't the type of person to bother to tell a lie that someone would catch. So why not tell the truth? Kurotsuchi curled his lip in disgust and lifted a forkful of pie to his mouth.

"This better be fish."

Chew. Chew.

_Crunch._

His jaw halted abruptly at the crunch. Unfortunately, Urahara was right—it _did _taste like fish—but he wasn't sure about the other flavors. There were the tastes of all his previous experiments, onion, peppers, earthworms, burnt duck…all the foods that he hated and all the foods he loved.

But who cared? This was like an experiment gone wrong. Perhaps he could fix what his former captain had never done. Grinning greedily, he dug into the rest of pastry with renewed enthusiasm.

However, he wasn't prepared for what would happen next.

* * *

Aha, yes, the pie.

Anyway, I need the fangirls of Bleach to answer one simple question.

If you like one of the guys in Bleach, who is it and why do you like him? (No worries, I can relate xD)

If you're a guy, then do you like one of the girls in Bleach? (I kind of doubt this one, but who knows?)

If you answer then that'd be great :) I have another story idea cooking up...


	11. Day 11: Hoses and Showers

IT'S BEEN SO FREAKING LONG...I'm sorry, everybody. If you have anybody to thank, then thank KuroiTori-sama. He was the one who got me up and writing again...even if I only did so three months later or something xD

Anyways, thanks to ultima-owner, Writing bunny, KuroiTori-sama, Amaterasu Ai, I. LoVe. GrImMjOw, The Kataklyst, 9foxgrl, Twilightmaster512, The Flying Lion, shortazn97, Crayola Emoticon, and TheBeginingsEnd for reviewing the last chapter.

Chapter credit for this one: Writing bunny and KuroiTori-Sama.

Sorry if this one is rushed; I hardly have any free time and I got some this week so I decided I had to put it to good use. xD

* * *

Day Eleven: Hoses and Showers

There are several ways one can be woken up.

Method number one: Tessai leaps into the air and, like a torpedo, slams into sleeping person's stomach.

Preferable? Not in the least.

Method number two: Isshin hurls himself at sleeping person.

Useful? Only if he falls out the window and screams along the way.

Method number three: Mayuri or some other person with an intimidating face squats over sleeping person and stares until said person wakes up and pretty much screams himself or herself awake.

Scary?

…No need to ask.

Method number four: a spur-of-the-moment 'cleaning service' pummels sleeping person with a concentrated jet of water.

Preferable? Better than the above three.

Useful? Only if said person is not unconscious.

Scary?

Well, this part can be split three ways. First, it depends on how many jets of water are trying to drown the aforementioned man or woman (for the sake of this story, the sorry subject is a man). Second, it depends on what happens to the man; the best thing that can happen is that he will indeed wake up unless he is drowned before he is fully able to do that. The worst thing…well, he dies.

…But because this man is a self-proclaimed sexy man and his reasoning is mostly based on his sexiness, he won't die.

Commence sigh of relief or scream of "DAMN IT!"

Considering that he cannot die due to…sexiness…the worst thing that can happen to him is that he…well, wait, since his sexiness is supposedly the holy shield that protects him from anything and everything, nothing bad can happen, right?

(See all previous chapters for a _counter_example.)

For the third and final part of the scary meter, it depends on who is issuing the 'cleaning service'. If your cleaning service ends up being a man and his two sidekicks wearing gas masks, and there is an all-too evil glint behind the gas masks, then hell, you better run for it. I don't care if you can't perform shunpo, just run like you got stuck in a game of Eternal Tag or something. Your life depends on it!

However, if the cleaning service arrives when you are still sleeping and somehow managed to slip through the walls of your home…

You're screwed. End of story.

And that commentary marks the beginning of Urahara's story, starting with the morning of the eleventh day. For starters, he was suffering from a nightmare but at the same time relishing in a pwned-Kurotsuchi moment. In his dream, he was tied to a metal slab in the Twelfth Division laboratory, and Kurotsuchi was looming over him, grinning as maliciously as ever. "This is payback," he said with a snicker, holding up a flask with a familiar mucky brown substance. "I will see what happens when this enters your digestive system."

"What the hell is that supposed to be?" Urahara spluttered, fearing two things: either that it was something he made or something he made. Hint: one he naturally makes, and the other he made to stop Hollows. Neither option was pleasant. Not only that, but the fact that he was being a human guinea pig for one of the most crazy people in Seireitei made it a lot worse.

"It's the 'jam' from the pie you gave me as 'payment' last time," Kurotsuchi growled.

Despite himself, Urahara sighed in relief. "Well, that's a lot better than the other thought in my mind."

"I can go swap this for _that substance _if you would like," Kurotsuchi replied with a grin.

"HELL NO!" Urahara shook his head in fright. Then, regaining his composure, he asked Kurotsuchi mildly, "So, what did happen to your stomach?" Considering he had altered body systems, this should be good. A small smile made itself apparent with that thought.

Kurotsuchi pursed his lips and his eyes darkened with malice. After he didn't say anything, Urahara taunted, "Ah, got it. You probably had the worst stomachaches in the history of Seireitei. They're just about the worst wounds that a shinigami can get, eh? But, for you, it was probably an apocalypse raging in your body, huh? How did that feel? Oh…and did you manage to taste the fish?"

"…Terrible, to say the least. And yes, I tasted fish…and a bunch of other putrid items that I would rather not taste ever again." The 'clown' scowled.

"See? I gave you my payment. Please answer one more question for me."

"What?" Kurotsuchi snapped.

"Why am I here anyway?"

Just then, the whip of water struck, and two more followed suit. Urahara's eyes flew open to find that he was underwater…somewhat…and that the side of face was burning. He sat up hurriedly to see what was going on, but then the three jets of water collided with his stomach and he was forced backward, skidding on the grass with his butt and ending up at the far end of the barrier. The water then ceased firing, and when Urahara looked up to catch sight of the perpetrators, he nearly jumped out of his skin.

A tall man and two short children stood at the entrance of the barrier, each wielding one green garden hose that was pointed threateningly at Urahara. They were donned in all black, from black shoes to black rain jackets to black gas masks. The scariest part? The glint that was all-too visible behind the gas masks.

"KISUKE URAHARA!" Tessai boomed, and Urahara flinched. Tessai was back, but, as usual, he just had to scare the shit out of Urahara first thing in the morning.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING, LOOKING LIKE YOU'RE ABOUT TO ASSASSINATE ME?"

"BE QUIET, DEFENDANT!"

Defendant? "And what in the world did I do?"

"The court of Urahara Shouten has decided that you, Kisuke Urahara, are guilty of attempted murder!"

Questions—and protests—swam in Urahara's mind. First off, what type of court was led by an adult and two kids? Second, there was no jury, leading the 'judges' to be the jury, but they were not unbiased. Third…what attempted murder? More like _accidental _attempted murder via Hollow pills, but other than that, there wasn't much to add.

"Method of murder: stinking people to death!"

BA-DONG. Urahara's eyes bulged out of their sockets while his mouth was wide enough to swallow a watermelon. Stinking people…to _death_? He didn't smell anything out of the ordinary…but then he looked at the gas masks his assistants wore and thought dryly, _Looks like it's that bad in the barrier._

_ Hell yeah it is! You've just gotten used to the smell, which is absolutely disgusting. Only a nasty man would get used to the smell of his own stench and not bother to clean it up._

_ Oh, you were here, Benihime?_

_ Shut up! I will always be here…unfortunately…_

_ Show some respect to your master._

_ Change 'respect' into 'no mercy' and it's all good._

"…some other notable people who have committed this crime include Soifon-taicho…"*

Urahara spat and stared at Tessai incredulously. "Say what?"

"The defendant must be quiet at this time! The punishment for this is thirty minutes of being hosed down…literally. The thirty minutes must be spent on you, Kisuke Urahara, being hosed down, and not the barrier. Running is not an option because we will continue to shoot you with these concentrated jets of wet until you have spent thirty minutes of water DOOM. Do you understand?"

"…Yes, but why now?"

Tessai's glasses glinted. "Payback for what happened yesterday."

"Damn you."

-30 minutes later-

"My. Skin. Is. BURNING! And my clothes are all sopping wet too!"

"Serves you right for smelling like a pigsty," Tessai retorted, cocking the hose over his shoulder and taking off the gas mask with a relieved breath of fresh air.

"Either way, you didn't have to destroy my extra clothes!" Urahara then slapped a hand over his mouth. He didn't mean that.

"Would you really wear a kilt and a tank top to stop being wet?"

"…No."

"Precisely."

"I'm really cold, though…"

"How many complaints are you going to find, Manager?"

"Plenty more. I suggest that you leave before I spout twenty more."

"Hmph. Fine."

Urahara watched Tessai's back disappear into the shop and grinned. "I can finally have some privacy," he murmured to himself, and slowly made his way to the invisible shower, being careful to step over the general area of the squat toilet. On the way he grabbed his sopping wet inflatable gigai, which was still a skin, and stuck it to the ceiling as a curtain. Then, finding the shower, he took off his soaked clothes, turned the water on, and sighed in relief at the warmth.

In the shop, Tessai was thinking. Thinking hard. Thinking harder than he had ever thought ever in his life. Urahara wouldn't complain so much over getting a not-so-proper bath, although he would protest when all jets of water found their way into his mouth in quite a nostalgic manner (medicine, anyone?). But afterwards…it wasn't really like him. He was up to something and Tessai knew it. They had been stuck together for more than a hundred years, and if he didn't know his manager's ways, then that would be quite sad.

Thus, with this thought in mind, he went outside, and the first thing he saw was Urahara's gigai skin, the top part folding to form a surface to stick with the ceiling. Then he saw Urahara's clothes in a heap, and after that he saw Urahara's bare legs from beneath the gigai.

All he thought was: "What in the world could he possibly be doing behind that thing?"

Immediately after was: "Should I give him a good scare?"

Answer: yes.

Unfortunately.

He was still in his gas mask costume, so preparations were set. Donning the gas mask with a slight smile, he walked with a light tread and entered the barrier, standing directly behind the curtain. Tessai raised one hand to the curtain and, after making sure Urahara's head was not directly in the line of fire, whispered like Darth Vader, "Hado Thirty-One: Shakkaho!"

A clean hole was blasted in the fabric, but he had overdone it. The force of the blast loosened the kido on gigai, and it promptly dropped.

Urahara froze and turned his head with an arduous slowness to Tessai.

"HOLY SHI-"

End of story.

* * *

*In one particular sub of Bleach, when Soifon activated her shikai, the subtitles read "Stink all people to death, Suzumebachi" instead of "Sting all people to death". I still don't get how they typed that wrong…k and g aren't that close, are they?


	12. Day 12: Insomnia

Thanks to purple13098, Writing bunny, KuroiTori-sama, Dragunity Gemini, bleachlvr1234 and The Flying Lion for reviewing.

I need more practice on writing. No, scratch that, I need to write a lot more ._. I'm kinda feeling a decline in my writing and I blame it all on my procrastination. So sorry if this one isn't that great...well, decide for yourself. If you like it, good. If you don't, I apologize and I'll improve.

Well, I have to go...again...so see you guys sometime in the near future. I swear, I will try to upload sooner than two months!

But thanks for the support, guys!

* * *

Day Twelve: Insomnia

Urahara never imagined being in his own horror movie. Sure, he was nearly always in constant suspense thanks to his assistants' crazy antics, but they hadn't taken their tactics far enough then. Yesterday, for Urahara, was more than enough. He didn't think he would have to expect a gas mask-wearing Tessai to slip into the barrier when he was showering, blow up the makeshift curtain with a kido, and stare him down until Urahara let loose a string of expletives and nearly fainted.

Now that he thought about it, he had no idea why in the world Tessai would scare him when he was showering. That doesn't sound too strange, as it's happened a few times in horror movies. But if you consider the fact that showering = completely naked, then that brings strangeness and "what the fudge" to a whole new level.

Not only that, but Kurotsuchi made every installation in the barrier invisible to other people. Tessai could not see the installations, and he didn't know that Urahara was showering at the moment, so why the hell would he go and scare Urahara anyway…?

…

What the FUUU—

Urahara gagged at the thought, slapping his hand over his mouth and nearly retching. He would never know what Tessai was really thinking when he saw the gigai hanging from the ceiling aside from "I'm going to scare the crap out of him!" Urahara also knew with absolute certainty that his assistant saw the pile of his clothes. Again, why would he do that and what was he thinking?

On second thought, he didn't really want to know. First of all, dirty thoughts stormed into his head whenever he thought about yesterday, and second, he needed to preserve his brain for escape tactics.

_Considering the fact that you've failed for eleven days to get us out of here, I'd say that your brain is nonexistent, _Benihime spat. _Over the rainbow. Sucked into oblivion. Rotting away in Kurotsuchi's laboratory so that the "clown" can analyze exactly what makes you such a dumbass._

"I'm not a dumbass!" Urahara retorted. "I'm…"

_Super sexy, awesome, handsome, modest, etc. Yada yada yada. I totally haven't heard any of those adjectives from you before._

"What I was going to say was that I'm just having trouble thinking of ways to get out of here. But what you said could have worked too."

Benihime slapped her forehead. _Yep, still a dumbass._

Ignoring his zanpakuto's rude remark, Urahara bowed his head and closed his eyes in concentration, allowing thoughts to flow freely in his mind, swimming around like little minnows…ah yes, get the creative juices flowing…his fists clenched, his teeth ground together, every fiber of his being was concentrated into creating ideas, and…! In his mind, Urahara could see a blinding light, and he leaped for it, arm outstretched, prepared to grab the most genius and brilliant idea from his excellent mind. The light engulfed him and he cried in happiness; finally, he was out of this red boxed hell and out of the path of doom.

So he thought, anyway.

The light dimmed and Urahara found himself staring at a wall with words that looked like they were written in blood. Tessai's deep voice boomed, "YOU SHALL STAY HERE FOREVER! For nineteen more days, that is."

Urahara snapped back to reality, clutched his head and yelled in exasperation, "Am I really going to be stuck here forever? Nineteen days is forever, especially if you're stuck in an artificially created hell! Hachigen Ushoda, you're so in for it! I'll teach you—and the rest of the people who drag the days longer—what being tortured forever feels like!"

Something clicked in his mind as he said the last part. "Forever, huh?" he muttered, observing the barrier with a newfound interest. As far as he knew, nothing could last forever—besides a living hell. But anyway, if a shinigami, arrancar or some other human-like being couldn't last forever, then magical power certainly couldn't either. Hachi was exerting so much control over this barrier that Urahara doubted he could do much else when doing so. His reiryoku was being exhausted at a slow rate, and he surely couldn't maintain the barrier for a full twenty-four hours, much less twenty-four hours a week. Hachi had to take a break sometime during the day to restore his reiryoku supply, and that could only be when he wasn't active: sleeping at night.

Everyone has to sleep; heck, even Aizen has to sleep. (Shocking, isn't it?) Hachigen was no exception. Maybe the barrier was inactive when Urahara and Hachi were both sleeping. Urahara grinned from ear to ear. This was his chance. At night, he would be able to escape, and Hachigen would never know. Oh, he would never know. A low, villainous laugh emitted from his throat, and he pulled his hat down over his eyes, making him look a little more evil than necessary.

_You look so much like Aizen right now, _Benihime grumbled.

"Sexier, you mean," he corrected.

_No…you look just as stupid as him._

"I was just trying to give Aizen an indirect insult."

_And you said that only because of me. _

"Hey, why not?"

_You're really just a dumbass._

"No, I'm not! I found a flaw in the barrier! Tessai!" he yelled, and his assistant's head poked out from behind the door.

"What is it?"

"Prepare twenty coffees for me, please!"

"Why, Manager?"

"Just do it!"

Tessai stared at him for a long while, and then disappeared into the shop.

"Well, Benihime?" Urahara beamed with joy. "What do you think?"

_…I stand by my word._

-Midnight-

"When do you think Hachi sleeps?" Urahara asked, sipping his coffee slowly. He felt reenergized, not just from the coffee but from his brilliant plan. Excitement coursed through his veins and his nerves tingled; he had a sense that everything was going to go well tonight. Victory was in sight, and he imagined Tessai's shock when he appeared in the shop the next morning. Urahara would finally get the pleasure of walking around and not crashing into walls and being able to eat things other than the instant ramen that Tessai served him every day. Also, his reputation would be proven with his ingenious escape tactic. So far, everything was going good.

_Why should I know? I don't stalk the pink-haired guy with black crossbones on his head._

"Well, when do you think?"

_Don't know, don't care. I would be worrying more about when Tessai sleeps. _Benihime nodded toward the shop. The lights still brightly shone.

"Nah, Tessai does that all the time. At night we have to finish paperwork and other jobs since we're too busy handling customers during the day. Since I'm stuck in this barrier, Tessai has to do his work plus my work as well."

_He could give you some to work on._

"When he tries to give me the work I'm probably sleeping or unconscious."

_True._

-Two hours later-

_Is Tessai still working or what?_

"There's a lot to do, you know."

_But I'm sure he can finish the day's work in just a few hours._

"Maybe. Perhaps there's a lot to do today."

-One hour later-

"That's the fifteenth cup of coffee," Urahara groaned, feeling bloated. His previous excitement had dissipated; the barrier had remained intact, not even flickering once. Maybe Hachi didn't sleep…even worse than that, maybe Hachi was more powerful than Aizen. But probably not. Either way, Urahara was getting tired of waiting and very, very sleepy. His eyelids drooped and his movements were now lethargic. Staring at the walls for so long made him want to shut his eyes for good.

_No one ever said you had to drink them so quickly, you idiot!_

"I feel like sleeping soon after each one, though…"

_Ask Tessai for some duct tape to keep your eyes open. He's still awake, apparently._

"That means I'm going to fall asleep with my eyes open! Then I won't be able to escape!"

_Just ask for something to keep you awake, damn it!_

"Alright, alright! Tessai!" Urahara drawled. "You still awake?"

"Yes, because I have to, Manager!" came the distant reply.

Urahara raised an eyebrow—at least he tried to—in confusion. "What's that supposed to mean? Is there a particularly large amount of paperwork today?"

"No, not at all. I have a huge task every day, you know."

"And that is…?"

Tessai suddenly appeared in the doorway, dressed as he normally did, his hands clapped together. Urahara stared at his assistant's hands. Blink. Blink. Blink. Realization began to dawn on him as he saw reiatsu surrounding Tessai's hands and the barrier. He had been so used to Tessai's reiatsu that he didn't notice it surrounding the barrier. Urahara pointed a finger at him and stammered, "You…you…"

Tessai laughed. "That's right. As you figured out earlier, Hachigen cannot maintain this barrier 24/7. It is indeed impossible, so he asked me to help. I take the night shift of controlling the barrier. Sorry, Manager, but I don't want Soifon-taicho coming over here and blasting you all the way to Seireitei."

"She's probably gonna do it anyway," Urahara muttered. His hope of ever escaping shattered, and he started to understand the meaning of true despair. What was he going to do? Suffer nineteen more days? Being too tired to think straight, his eyes started to close, but he managed to stutter one more question: "When…do you…sleep?"

The tips of Tessai's mustache curled up in a smile. Yes, there were indeed no hints of when he slept during the day. He fed Urahara bad medicine, he popped the gigai, he scared the crap out of Urahara so many times that he couldn't count…all in broad daylight. "My my, when do I sleep?" Tessai proceeded to tell Urahara, but by that time Urahara had passed out with only one thought on his mind: _I'm terribly screwed._

Benihime yawned widely and stretched her arms. _I told you you're a dumbass._


	13. Day 13: Fantasy or Nightmare?

Thanks to KuroiTori-sama, Amaterasu Ai, and Writing bunny for reviewing.

A week and a day later I have updated! Miracle...

But yeah. Enjoy, guys.

Edit: I don't like the title character limit. -.-

* * *

Day Thirteen: Fantasy or Nightmare?

The sky was a bit cloudier than usual when Urahara woke up, rainclouds hanging in the distance with a sense of foreboding. Doom was coming, he thought miserably, and picked himself up off the ground. At least he tried to, because the fatigue of what had happened a few hours ago kicked in…literally. He found himself falling over and over again, his back crashing to earth over and over again, and his hopes of ever getting out digging their own graves. Over and over again.

Urahara had no idea how long he tried to get up and how long he lay on the grass in defeat. Either way, he knew that this experience of eternity was far worse than what he had expected of staying in the barrier. In all honesty, he would rather be back to the old days in the barrier with all those crazy experiences instead of staring at the gloomy gray sky. There was actually excitement, even though most of the days were not good experiences. Life had to have a bit of fun to be worth living, and no matter how much he called life in the barrier "hell", it was still life. He did have a bit of fun in the past twelve days, stealing candy from Hitsugaya, the day with Yoruichi (*cough*) and passing on the Hollow pill pie to Kurotsuchi. It was who he was, the prank master. However, right now, he was just a depressed man who really had nothing better to do than to lie in a field of grass, enclosed in a barrier, and think of better times.

It wasn't him, and let me tell you now, it's for a reason…something that cannot be said quite yet. Not in this chapter, anyway.

_Hey, Kisuke._

In his inner world, Benihime stood over him, her fiery red hair providing a stark contrast with the sky. She wore an expression of sympathy—something that was rare for her—and she smiled slightly at her master. With much difficulty, Urahara stiffly turned his head to look at her, but he did not smile back. She sighed and held out a hand, and watched as Urahara went from unemotional to slightly surprised. _Look, _she said. _Stop being so depressed. I'm here, aren't I? And I'm sorry if I've ever took things too far. Just wipe that blank stare off of your face and get up. I'll help you get out of here, I promise; I want to get out too. Come on. _Benihime held her hand a little closer to him.

Urahara blinked, and a tear slowly fell down the sides of his face. Someone was here for him, and he was grateful; he took his zanpakuto's hand and…

With a swift movement, Benihime slapped him hard across the face. Urahara's head snapped to the side, and everything went black for a moment. Then, he regained his senses and yelled almost automatically, "WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR?"

Benihime smirked. _Well, looks like my overly-emotional acting came in handy. _She then leaned in close and shouted furiously, _Did you ever think I would apologize like that, so sentimentally and in such a clichéd manner? This isn't some type of soap opera! _Benihime sighed again and stood back after seeing her master's startled expression. _But I wasn't kidding about that last part._

He looked up with shock. "Wait, really?"

_Yeah, really. I'm sick of being stuck in here too. Although the days were quite amusing, it's quite claustrophobic in here. So, shall we destroy the barrier?_

He blinked, but then his eyes narrowed in suspicion. "How can I be sure you're not acting again?"

_I'm not!_

"Alright then. Prove it to me."

Benihime bit her lip nervously.

"You hesitated!"

_I'm not lying, idiot! You could turn everything I say into a lie!_

"C'mon, prove that you can help me."

_How about this. I help you break out of the barrier. If I do, you leave me alone when I want to be alone._

"Which is always…"

_Precisely._

"What if there's Hollows?"

_You have kido, right?_

"Fine, what if Tessai is chasing me around in this wild goose chase?"

_…One exception._

"Thank you. Oh, and if you fail to break the barrier, I will annoy you to no end."

_…God damn it. _

"Pressure…" Urahara crooned, knowing he had the upper hand.

_You shut the hell up._

"Yes ma'am." A wide grin spread from ear to ear. "Let's do it, then."

_Yeah, let's._

Back in the real world, Urahara jumped up with renewed energy and grasped his cane. "Awaken, Benihime," he whispered, and the cane melted away into its sword form. "Sing!" The sword was swung in a wide arc, and a crescent-shaped beam of red energy was shot forth. It smacked against the barrier, but it didn't budge.

_Damn, it's stronger than it looks._

"No kidding."

_Well, there's a better option to destroying it. _Benihime smiled slyly.

Urahara's mouth dropped open. "Oh no. Nononononono. Tessai's surely going to catch us destroying the barrier with…_that_…it's far too loud!"

_We can just knock him out, no biggie._

"We might kill him, for heck's sake!"

_I'll make sure he won't die. And besides, how else do you plan on getting out?_

Urahara swallowed down his anxiety. "I guess. It's been a while since we've done it, hasn't it…?"

_Yup, and I'm fired up for this moment!_

"That's a first."

_Shut up! Do you want to be the one destroyed instead?_

"No thanks. Alright, you ready?"

_Hell yes!_

Urahara pointed the sword forward a little uncertainly. "It's now or never, I guess. BANKAI!"

…

(Due to technical difficulties, Urahara's epic ass-kicking of the barrier has been cut out of the story. Imagine what you want, but be sure to make it totally awesome or else Urahara will use Bankai on you. Thank you, and have a good day.)*

…

Urahara could barely restrain his laughter. There the barrier was, crumbling to pieces around him, red shards crashing onto the ground and piling up into heaps. He had done it. He had finally done it. There went his living nightmare. The joy bubbled up in him, and he felt like laughing so hard…

_You idiot, save the joy for later. Put a light-bending kido on yourself and get the hell out of here before Tessai comes. Oh, and stop the Bankai and suppress your reiatsu so no one can find you._

"Yeah, yeah, got it," he replied in a whisper, and promptly activated the kido and shunpoed out of the lawn and into the town. With one leap he was traveling through the air, and he took pleasure in the sensation of prancing in the open air, the slight breeze caressing his hair. There were no walls to stop him from traveling around, alive and free, and it was such a great feeling after twelve days of being caged in a claustrophobic barrier.

Meanwhile, after hearing the thundering crash, Tessai sped to the back of the shop only to see the scattered red fragments sparsely covering the grass. Cursing, he dove into the center of it, digging through the pieces and wrenching out the phone that Urahara had kept for no apparent reason. He punched the numbers in and tapped his foot impatiently as the phone on the other side rang. A few seconds later, a lazy voice answered. "Hello?"

"Shinji, it's Tessai. I need to speak to Hachigen."

"Alright. Hey, Hachi!" Shinji called off distantly. There were a few shuffling noises and the complaints of Hiyori before Tessai's former lieutenant picked up the phone.

"Hello?"

"Hachigen, he's escaped!"

A sigh sounded from the other side. "He could have done it sooner."

"That's not my point!"

"I know, I know, but it's surprising that he just thought about using his Bankai. My connection to the barrier was cut off quite abruptly…"

"Well, we need to go get him!"

"Yes, but we can take our time. He won't be getting away anytime soon, remember? I will always know where he is."

Tessai smirked, pushing his glasses up. "Indeed…"

Urahara's assistant's antics often issued a sense of dread for the target, even if the target was not aware of what was going to happen. However, Urahara was too busy laughing his ass off at the moment.

_Oi, shut up!_

"But I…haha…haven't laughed…haha…in forever…HAHAHAHA!"

_Kisuke Urahara: died from laughing._

"I'm not going to die…bahahaha…."

_Not if I go Bankai on you._

"I know you won't…hahaha…"

Benihime sighed. Then, from out of nowhere, she whipped out a glass of water and jammed it into Urahara's mouth. The reaction was instantaneous: he violently coughed and spluttered, flailing his arms wildly. "Okay, okay, I surrender!" he cried, throwing his hands up into the air.

_Thank you. Now, where shall we go? You've been traveling off to nowhere for a while._

"I don't know. I kind of want to go to Seireitei…"

It was Benihime's turn to splutter. _You want to get killed by Soifon, you dumbass? She's going to kill us all!_

"Good point."

_Don't you "good point" me! God damn, that's the worst possible thing you can do!_

"Well, what else do you expect us to do now that we're free?"

_Get some clothes, eat some good food…_

"And we do that while being invisible? Sound like a plan to me," Urahara retorted sarcastically, landing onto a nearby building. "I'm not stealing anything anytime soon."

_Then what the hell do you want to do?_

"Well…" Urahara then cut off abruptly. Two objects were flying toward him at a rapid speed, and as they got closer he could make out the faces of Hachigen and Tessai. He widened his eyes and scrambled back, jerking Benihime's cane form off of the ground. "We have to get out of here. Now!" A hard push against the roof of the building sent him up into the air, and he shunpoed faster than he had ever done in his life.

_How the hell can they see you? You're suppressing your reiatsu too!_

"No idea!" he hissed. "Can you look behind me and tell me how close they are?"

Benihime snuck a quick glance and, to her horror, the two figures were getting larger. _They're gaining on us! _she screeched. _Not only that, but they really know where we are!_

"KISUKE URAHARA!" Tessai boomed, and both Urahara and Benihime flinched. "WE KNOW WHERE YOU ARE!"

_Point proven, right…?_

"Definitely…" Urahara muttered.

"URAHARA!" Tessai boomed again, and Urahara and Benihime flinched…again. "COME BACK RIGHT NOW!"

"To hell? No thanks!" Urahara shot back.

Tessai then stopped, posing as if preparing to run a race, but he didn't move. Urahara subconsciously mimicked his movements…but it was then he noticed the evil pulsating from the glasses, and he turned tail and fled even faster than before.

"I know where you are from your responses! YOU AREN'T GETTING AWAY! Hachigen, help me!"

The pink-haired man nodded and held his hand up, his palm facing Tessai's back. "Hado Fifty-eight: Tenran!" A tornado erupted from his palm and hit Tessai's back; at that moment of contact, Tessai burst forward, reaching an absurd level of speed with the boost from the wind kido.

"What the hell?" Urahara stammered, looking over his shoulder. There was Tessai, charging at him like an angry bull (but with glasses), his legs moving so impossibly fast that they were a blur. The speed was comparable to shunpo…but unfortunately for the shopkeeper, it was faster than shunpo, as Hachi continued to fire Tenrans toward Tessai.

"BEHOLD THE MIGHTY HUMAN JETPACK ENGINE!" Tessai yelled triumphantly.

"WHAT THE HELL IS THAT SUPPOSED TO BE?"

"Definition: a technique used to catch a fleeing Kisuke Urahara."

"YOU CALL THAT A TECHNIQUE?"

"Don't insult my genius!" Tessai roared, and skidded to a halt. "Bakudo Sixty-three: Sajo Sabaku!" The yellow chain shot toward Urahara, who was in a close enough range, and bound him. Tessai firmly gripped the other end and pivoted, swinging Urahara as if he were in a hammer throw, and flinging his dizzy shopkeeper toward Hachigen.

_You should've used kido!_

"What, noooowww?" Urahara yelled woozily as he hurtled toward Hachigen.

Benihime slapped her forehead in exasperation and watched in annoyance as her master's face smacked against an all-too familiar red wall and the light-bending kido he used on himself wear off.

"Well well, it was you, wasn't it?" Tessai said. As he spoke he wrapped a kido rope around the barrier and started to drag it away effortlessly, as if Urahara and the barrier weighed nothing more than a bag of feathers.

"No shiiiit!" Urahara shouted at his assistant, still slightly disoriented.

"Calm down, Urahara-san," Hachigen told the perturbed shopkeeper.

Urahara glared at him, but Hachigen's image swayed back and forth. "How in the world did you find me?"

"Did you think I didn't think of precautions?" Hachi's voice took on a warning tone. "It was completely obvious that you were going to break out one day. If you ever happened to do so, then I would need a way to catch you and bring you back. So, I put a 'tracking device' on you: a piece of the barrier emitting my reiatsu. That tiny little piece is inside you, and you may not have noticed my reiatsu clinging about you because you were in the barrier for so long. Once you ran away, I would track my lingering reiatsu floating in some random area and chase you down."

"Jeez, talk about careful," Urahara muttered. "What about Tessai, then? Does he have a piece of his reiatsu in me, too?"

"Naturally. He's hit you with many kido spells, am I correct?"

Urahara glanced up and thought of the day when Tessai electrocuted him with a needle in quite a…sensitive area. His cheeks slowly began to puff up in a laugh. "Tessai, that's so wrong~" he called out in a sing-song voice. "Why through there, may I ask~?"

"Shut up, Manager," Tessai grumped, and yanked the barrier hard. Urahara's laughing was cut short as he unceremoniously fell on his face.

"But it is so wrong," Urahara said apologetically, only to have Tessai yank the barrier on its side again.

"I wouldn't be laughing if I were you," Hachigen said in a calm voice, but his words expressed a little more than foreboding.

Urahara frowned at the former Kido Corps lieutenant. "Your tone really doesn't match up with what's to happen, you know."

"It is more intimidating, is it not?"

Roll of the eyes. "Yeah."

"I wouldn't be rolling my eyes at what is to happen next, either."

"Get to the point!"

"You don't seem to be afraid."

"I…" Urahara stopped mid-sentence as he started to sweat. Not thinking about what was to come had made an inappropriate entrance into actually _knowing _what was to come. Then, when he thought about it, his sweat started to seep through his shirt as it intensified. Haunting words floated into his mind, the words that Hachigen had said on the second day:

_"You may try and find ways out, but good luck with that. If you cause any destruction, I will be locking you in for an extra week for Soifon-taicho's pleasure and admittedly mine."_

Hachigen smiled at him again, and as his dread settled in, Urahara knew that that unnerving smile was the start of an extra week of hell.

* * *

*Ah ha, sorry, couldn't resist. I really can't think of anything that would be Urahara's Bankai, but all I know it that it's "not for training". He has so many forms of shikai that it's overwhelming…the only thing I can think of is this super destructive Bankai.

On an extra note: seven more days = seven more chapters. More work for me (or maybe not ;))…


	14. Day 14: Thanksgiving

Holy crap it's been so long. I am so busy now it's not even funny.

But guys, it's Thanksgiving today, so I just wanted to thank you all for such great support. Whether you reviewed, favorited, alerted or simply read this story (or any of my other stories), just know that I appreciate it all so much. :) So I wanted to write a short chapter today.

It's more of an extra chapter-kind of like an OVA of an anime, where it doesn't really fit into the main storyline.

Thanks to dzk87, Shirokonoji, Writing bunny and KuroiTori-sama for reviewing that last chapter so, so long ago.

* * *

Day Fourteen: Thanksgiving

_ Ding dong._

"I SWEAR, IF ONE MORE PERSON RINGS THAT DOORBELL I'M GOING TO KILL SOMEONE!" Ichigo yelled, jolting upright from his bed and pointing an accusing finger at the door. In the past hour, the doorbell rang incessantly, a string of echoes that bounced back and forth through Ichigo's skull. At first he thought it was his alarm clock…but no, what alarm clock gives you a massive headache for a continuous hour? Ichigo seethed in frustration, quickly changed clothes, ran his fingers through his spiky hair and opened the door with a frown, closing his eyes with an air of annoyance.

"Hello…" Ichigo rubbed his eyes, prepared to give a death glare to the persistent meddler. But no response came. Suspicious, he opened his eyes, and…

"WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?"

Realizing that his voice carried down the hall, he slapped his hand over his mouth and glanced behind him. His sisters and his father did not come bustling toward him. With a relieved sigh, he looked back at what lay on his doorstep—rather, what his doorstep turned into.

Before him was a feast; drool slipped down his chin. Oh, how wonderful this was! A gigantic stuffed turkey with its crispy skin shining in the light; mashed potatoes with gravy slathered all over it; various fluffy rolls; juicy meats, and _other_ food. Note: _other food_. It'll come later.

In the center of it all was a scrolled up piece of paper, stained by the oils from the food. Ichigo picked it up and carefully unfurled the note.

_Ichigo Kurosaki…_

_Happy Thanksgiving!_ _Of course, I know that Japan does not usually eat turkeys and whatnot during this time of year, but apparently a country named America-something-or-the-other does._

Ichigo rolled his eyes. _Okay then._

_ Now, I understand that you are staring at this pile of food and drooling like a dog. Unfortunately, it's not for you._

Blinking, Ichigo read the sentences over and over. His head dropped in disappointment, but he kept reading.

_It's for one man who is currently stuck in a barrier. _

Disappointment turned to ecstasy as he struggled to contain his laughter. The note shook violently in his hands.

_If I sent the food myself, he would be too suspicious, so I would like you to help me send all the food over there. No, actually, that is an order from a captain._

The note was signed in an ineligible scrawl, but Ichigo didn't need to read the signature in order to know who it was. Ichigo's eyes scanned the food one last time, and his eyes lay on that "other food." Smirking, he went to the kitchen and grabbed two black garbage bags, putting the meat, bread and mashed potatoes into the first bag and the "other food" into the second bag. Ichigo chuckled quietly to himself, walking outside with the bags, and quietly closed the door behind him.

-Later-

After Tessai let him into the backyard, Ichigo stood before the front of the barrier, glancing at Urahara. Urahara glanced back warily, eyeing the bulging garbage bags. "What do you have for me this time?" he muttered with weariness.

Ichigo sighed, slipping through the barrier wall and gingerly setting down the bags. "Food," he replied simply, and left.

Urahara opened one bag with cynicism, but the smell of the food hit him like a brick. Gasping with pleasure that he hadn't had in a while, he shot his hands into the bag and hastily took out the heaping plates. At the bottom of the bag were a fork, a knife, and several napkins. Flipping the fork into his right hand and the knife into his left, he began to slice the turkey with astonishing speed, eating ravenously while he went. The potatoes, meats, and rolls were gone in a matter of minutes—all that was left were oily plates and the bones of the turkey. Urahara licked his lips with satisfaction and hurried to the second bag, fingers trembling as he pulled the sides apart.

He froze with horror.

Inside that bag were pies. Pies EVERYWHERE.

What made it worse was that the pies were all different and looked so damn tasty.

Then, out of the corner of his eye, he saw a white square sticking out from one of the pies. He hesitantly took the paper, unfolded it, and skimmed it.

_Why hello, Urahara._

Shivers ran down Urahara's back, and his palms began to sweat.

_Since you were so kind to disrupt my digestive system, I would like to pay you back in full._

Benihime read the note over his shoulder and groaned. _Looks like the clown's up to something again, huh?_

"No kidding," Urahara muttered.

_I have ten pies here. Only one of them has those disgusting things you put into that pie you gave me. The catch? I modified them a little._

"…Well, shit."

_Moving on. You have to eat all of the pies. Do not think you can avoid this, as I will be coming to pick up the plates later today. I will be looking through the trash if necessary, mind you._

_ -Mayuri Kurotsuchi._

"Talk about getting a taste of revenge," Urahara murmured. He folded up the paper and put it into his pocket.

_So, what are you going to do? You can't be so stupid as to actually eating them all, right? You've had your warning._

"Do you really think I'm going to eat them all, Benihime?" he retorted. "For all I know, he's probably contaminated all of the pies."

_Ding!_

Genius idea: activated.

"Hey, Benihime."

_What is it now?!_

"Do you think revenge can be passed along?"

_What is that supposed to mean?_

"I mean, can I make the clown's revenge my own?"

Benihime looked up in thought and shrugged her shoulders. _Why not. But how are you going to do that?_

"Hey, Tessai!" Urahara called, cupping his hands around his mouth and yelling in the direction of the shop.

Benihime slapped her forehead. _Oh Seireitei, save me now._

Tessai hustled out of the shop. "What is it, Manager?" he asked, unaware of the cunning gears turning inside his boss's brain.

Urahara smiled brightly and held out the black garbage bag. "Happy Thanksgiving."


	15. Day 15: Awaken, Urahara!

Long time no see. Again.

Still busy as heck, but hey, had some free time and scribbled out this chapter. (I used "scribbled" because it's quite a rushed chapter.)

Thanks to hollownature, Guest, Amaterasu Ai, KuroiTori-sama, ChieLuvsBleach, yukicrewger2, and The Flying Lion for reviewing the last chapter.

Oh and a little note before you read this: this chapter is basically the next part to Chapter 12 and 13. So, recap: In Chapter 12, Urahara drinks a butt-ton of coffee to try and figure out how the barrier is managed, but he falls asleep. In Chapter 13, Urahara wakes up somewhat depressed but escapes the barrier, gets caught by Tessai and Hachi, and is condemned to an extra week in the barrier. Or is he...? You'll find out :)

* * *

Day Fifteen: Awaken, Urahara!

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! NONONONONONONO! I'M BEGGING YOU, HACHIGEN, DON'T LOCK ME IN THIS BARRIER FOR ONE MORE WEEK—"

"Manager, shut up!"

Hachigen chuckled and folded his arms across his chest. "It's alright, Tessai. Give the poor man a break. From his nonsensical rambling, he's obviously traumatized by something we cannot sense."

"A break? Do you seriously mean a break? He's been out for 24 hours!" Tessai snapped.

Hold on, let's rewind a bit, shall we?

Last time we saw Urahara, he used his bankai that was left to other people's imaginations, broke the barrier, scrambled around Karakura Town in an epic goose chase, and was finally condemned to an extra week in the barrier.

Insert dramatic music here and a gasp of "OH SHIT!"

Actually, insert one of those record scratch sounds here.

That, my wonderful friends, was merely a dream.

Urahara never used his bankai. He never ran around Karakura Town like his pants were on fire. None of that ever happened the day before. Instead, he lay sprawled on the ground, talking to no one in particular, swinging his cane wildly above his head like a cowboy would with a lasso, and got up and shunpoed around the barrier several times. How he got a false sense of freedom inside a tiny red column, no one will ever know. That's Urahara for you, though—always able to draw out the strangest meaning and reasoning from anything. Remember his delusion of how Tessai and Hachi were able to track him down?

Yeah. That was only a part of a dream, too. It wasn't real, but of course the shopkeeper didn't realize that. (For that matter, he never will. Why bother ruining his bad nightmare, anyway?)

Fortunately for Urahara (and unfortunately for Soifon), he wouldn't have to stay in the barrier for an extra week. But it's not like he's realized that yet.

"Well, if you really want to wake him up, then go do so," Hachigen responded calmly.

Tessai sighed exasperatedly. "Damn..." he muttered, and sulked over to the wall, slipping through it smoothly. The muscular man stood over the spread-eagled, pale-haired shopkeeper, but not as imposing as he normally was. Looking at Urahara made him tired. Unbeknownst to his manager, Tessai was an anxious man, too. Perhaps he did enjoy messing up Urahara's plans ten percent of the time (the other ninety percent was putting him through 123980 hells), but he did have worries. Urahara was incredibly sharp, although maybe his claustrophobia had dimmed his intelligence quite a bit. Tessai had to be careful of the day when Urahara finally found a way out.

(A.k.a. not today.)

Tessai gripped Urahara's shoulders and lifted him up. Urahara hung loosely from Tessai's hands; despite being unconscious, he still breathed heavily from all the yelling in his dream. His cane rocked back and forth from his fingers. Rolling his eyes, Tessai shook the limp body. "Manager. Manager."

Nope.

He shook Urahara harder. "Wake up already."

Nada.

A vein popped in Tessai's forehead. He was ready to dropkick the poor man until Urahara suddenly swung up his cane and screamed, "BANKAI!"

The cane barely missed Tessai as it came crashing down; the assistant managed to shunpo out of the barrier just in time. Hachigen stared at Urahara with wide eyes and shielded himself from the worst, but alas, nothing happened.

Useful bankai you got there, buddy.

And after his showy demonstration, Urahara plopped back onto the ground and started snoring.

"You go wake him up," Tessai said nervously. "I'm not going in there. I've heard that people are the scariest when they're semiconscious."

"Like when they're drunk? But Urahara is evidently not drunk."

"He's certainly drugged, though."

"He's certainly...wait a minute."

Hachigen's gaze turned slowly toward Tessai, who had clapped a hand over his mouth. "Did you say he was _drugged_?"

Tessai hastily shoved his glasses up his nose, even though they couldn't go any further. "Forget what I said. I was kidding."

Even though Hachigen was shorter than Tessai, he loomed over his former captain, and his aura was suffocating. "You were kidding, you say? However, that's the only explanation for why he's been out for a _whole day_."

Backing up nervously against the frame of the door, Tessai stuttered, "W-well...I only gave him coffee."

"I'll trust you on that one, but I don't believe that a person can fall dead asleep from twenty cups of caffeine."

Sweat ran down Tessai's forehead. Hachigen stepped closer to him. "Well. The truth, please."

"Alright. I gave him sleeping pills," he whispered, and looked ashamedly down towards his left.

"Too many can kill a man, you know."

"I figured that since Urahara's basically a superhuman he should be fine. Besides, if I didn't make him fall asleep, he would've figured out how we managed the barrier."

"You could've used Hakufuku, you know. It would've been quicker."

"It would've been too obvious," Tessai muttered, and dashed into the shop.

Hachigen stared after him and sighed. He didn't have enough time to collect his thoughts about his former captain's antics, as Tessai came dashing back moments later with a cell phone. Hachigen stared again and asked, "Where did you get that?"

"This shop has everything, don't you know?" Tessai replied curtly, and started punching in numbers. "That's not important now. What's important is that we get Manager to wake up right now."

"And how's a cell phone going to help us with that?"

The mischievous glint in Tessai's glasses started to shine once more. "We hire a professional alarm clock."

-Ten minutes later-

"Hachi, I told you, the professional alarm clock will work!"

"I can't trust that if I don't even know what that is! Besides, you can't just hire an inanimate object!"

"Oh, but he's no inanimate object," Tessai said, beaming.

"...He?" Hachigen glanced at Tessai with a strange look. But, in one second, the realization of who the "professional alarm clock" was. "Oh. I see. That could work."

"Won't it?" Tessai proclaimed. "He'll be arriving by air any minute now."

Hachigen gazed warily up at the sky. Indeed, in the vast palette of light blue and white, there was a small, black dot which steadily increased in size by the second. "It's a bird," he murmured.

"It's a plane," Tessai said jokingly.

"It's..."

"GOOD MORNING, URAHARAAAAA!" the bird/plane/an infamous Isshin Kurosaki hollered as he hurtled toward the ground. Ichigo's father grinned and straightened his back and his legs, becoming as straight as an arrow. Judging the distance from his position in the air to the ground, he had about five seconds to decide how he, the magnificent alarm clock, was going to wake up the previous Twelfth Division captain.

Five. Still high in the sky.

Belly flop? Nah.

Four. He was at the height of the tallest tree.

Position his feet to the right of Urahara's head? Nope.

Three. He had reached the top of the barrier.

Yell as loud as he could possibly muster? Too much work.

Two. Half a meter above Urahara's head.

God damn it, I need an idea!

One.

Headbutt?

Hell yes.

Literally in a half second, Isshin swung his feet up to make his body at a ninety degree angle with the ground and aimed his forehead to Urahara's temple. Urahara's head was still turned. This will be excellent, Isshin thought to himself. This is how the pros do it.

Unfortunately, as luck would have it, in the last half second Urahara turned his face directly toward Isshin. Forehead collided against forehead. Nose crashed against nose.

And...

Urahara woke with a jolt. What was the excruciating, throbbing pain on his forehead? He groaned and rubbed his forehead to clear his mind. Damn, he felt like he could just drop dead all over again. He lifted his head carefully so as to avoid his vision swirling. In the dust clouds stood Isshin, who was hurriedly wiping his lips.

Wait.

Why was he wiping his lips?

Urahara cautiously rose one hand to his own mouth only to feel saliva.

...

...

...

"HOLY SH—"

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the story of Sleeping Beauty, Urahara style.


	16. Day 16: The Worst Day

Hey, guys...

To you guys who have read this story for a while, you guys are amazing. Seriously. You've stuck with me for so long and have forgiven my extremely long hiatuses, and you have no idea how grateful I am for that. And to the people who have recently favorited or followed this story...you guys are awesome too. You guys keep reminding me that you do want me to continue the story, so thank you all so much :)

Thanks to ultima-owner, Guest, hollownature, KuroiTori-sama, The Flying Lion, ChieLuvsBleach, supersaiyan916, AFlashofSilver, and red888 for reviewing the previous chapter.

* * *

Day 16: The Worst Day

The first thing Tessai did when he woke up that morning was to walk over to the other side of the room. He didn't rub his eyes, he didn't yawn, he didn't show any signs of being tired. When he woke up, he was completely alert. It was a brand new day, what could he say. And a brand new day meant a brand new plot for his very tired boss.

On the other side of the room was something that normally people don't think is very important—that is, until the end of the school year. Tacked to the beige wall was a plain calendar, with fifteen red Xs slashed through the first fifteen boxes. Tessai moved his hand toward a small table on the side of the calendar and curled his fingers around the red marker that he used so often. Popping off the cap with his thumb, he positioned the red tip to the number sixteen, and...paused.

_Sixteen_, he mused. _The sixteenth_ _day. It's halfway over, huh._

Wait. Halfway over. Halfway over.

The words rang in his mind. His eyes slowly drifted upwards to the red words he had scribbled at the top of the calendar: "Days to plan hell for Manager Urahara." (Although he didn't even need the calendar to remind him of these...special 31 days, he always liked to bathe in the glory of finally letting Urahara get a taste of his own medicine—figuratively and literally.) Tessai couldn't believe how fast the days had gone by. Before he knew it, half of the month was gone. Sure, Urahara would probably rejoice in the fact that he's halfway done—that is, if he still had any sense of time—but Tessai was not exactly in a great mood with this realization. "So little time is left," he muttered to himself, setting down the red marker. "It feels like I haven't done anything yet..."

If Urahara were to hear those words, he would have a fit of extreme rage, but he was locked inside a red barrier and unfortunately oblivious to Tessai's...strange...thoughts. Tessai paced around his room impatiently, pondering the predicament that became apparent to him in the wee hours of the morning. What was he to do? He didn't like this. Not one bit. "No, I can't turn back time, make it happen all over again—I would try to create a kido like that, but there's no time for that—I don't want to give Urahara the impression that things will get easier after this. That will not be the case! I have to think of something terrible...yes, something so terrible that he will lose all of his sanity!"

Ding!

And in that moment, the greatest plan known to man made itself known to Tessai Tsukabishi. He quietly slipped out of the door, out into the yard and into the barrier, stepping around the sleeping Urahara. In moments he was back out, and his plan was done.

-11:00 AM-

In his sleep, Urahara made sure one of his cheeks was firmly pressed to the ground at all times. When one of his cheeks was sore, he quickly flipped to the other side, just to make sure he would never be completely face-up when he was sleeping.

Never again, he told himself as he slept. Never again.

Talk about a rude awakening. Urahara wanted to believe that Isshin, too, never wanted to experience something like that again, but he couldn't take any chances. Maybe the professional alarm clock didn't want to wake him up anymore (in what he claimed was supposed to be a headbutt), but who was to say for a certain glasses-wearing man with a suspicious mustache? Urahara groaned as he pieced the two images together—of Tessai in Isshin's place, hurtling down from the sky, and in the end crashing into him head to head, nose to nose, and...

Urahara jolted upright with a yell, eyes wide, hands gripping the grass. Oh Seireitei. Just an image of what had happened yesterday—except a worse variation of it—was enough to wake him up. The shopkeeper groaned and scratched his head. "I'm never going to get a good night's sleep ever again," he muttered, and he stood up and stretched his sore limbs.

_So much for your only solace, huh?_

"Shut up, Benihime."

_Well, I'm just saying. Your days are bad enough, and now your nights are ruined because of your fear of a classic fairy tale starring you..._ Benihime couldn't suppress a small snicker. _As the princess._

"A man has to sleep, you know."

_You did play the role of Sleeping Beauty, though. People don't usually sleep for 24 hours._

"I'll agree on the latter, but can't you change the former to 'Sleeping Sexiness'?" Urahara said under his breath.

_...I'm not sure whether or not you enjoy the Sleeping Beauty idea._

"Never mind that!" Urahara exclaimed, and threw his hands up in exasperation. "What I need to figure out," he continued hastily, walking around cautiously and trying to avoid Kurotsuchi's invisible modifications, "is how I fell asleep for 24 hours straight. Let's see...what was I doing the night before I fell asleep..."

_Being a dumbass, 24/7._

"No, of course not. If I recall correctly, I was testing out a theory...the theory that the barrier could not be maintained during the night. To stay awake, I told Tessai to give me 20 cups of coffee..."

_And that's where you met your demise._

"Yes, and...wait, what?"

Benihime sighed and shook her head. _Why did you trust Tessai, of all people, to give you coffee? Considering that he's, for lack of a better word, tortured you since the time you've been in the barrier, it should be obvious that he was planning something._

"...YOU SHOULD'VE WARNED ME!"

_WHY DIDN'T YOU SUSPECT ANYTHING, DUMBASS?_

"What? You shouldn't have to suspect anything about the goodness of coffee!"

_...Touche._

"Ah ha! Got you there! Now..." Urahara cracked his knuckles and grinned. "We pay back Tessai."

_Why?_

"I've been keeping track, and today, my ordeal is halfway over."

_Hm. Okay. So how do you plan to pay back Tessai?_

"Ha, that's easy!" Urahara scoffed, and pushed back...what should've been his hat on his head. As his fingers treaded through air, he started patting his head, but felt nothing but the softness of his hair. Dread filled him as his view dropped to the ground, frantically searching the barrier's ground for the green and white striped object.

No. No. No. This couldn't be happening. No.

"WHERE'S MY HAT?"

He dropped to all floors, patting the grass, hoping that his hat would miraculously appear under his hands. Blindly waving his hands in front of him and walking around like a zombie, he tried to find the invisible cabinet that Kurotsuchi had gave him. The back of his hand struck wood, and the cabinet appeared in front of him; he hurriedly pulled at every handle, but to no avail; his hat was not there.

_...Could it be in the toilet? _Benihime murmured.

"Dammit, Benihime, don't bring up that again! And besides, my hat can't turn invisible like everything the clown captain added to this barrier." Urahara frantically ran over to the skin of the inflated gigai and lifted it up, but he didn't see his precious item.

His hat. Oh, his hat. It was what defined him! He was recognized for that very hat! It was his soul, his essence; it was fabulous. And now it was gone, right before Urahara planned some non-ass-kicking ass-kicking.

"Where could it be?" he muttered. "Tessai!"

His assistant immediately appeared in the doorway. "Yes, Manager?"

"Where's my hat?"

"How am I supposed to know, Manager?" Tessai retorted. "You even sleep with your hat on! Shouldn't you know?" With that, he disappeared back into the shop.

Urahara glared at Tessai's back as he left. But then a crazy idea wormed its way into his mind. "Hey, Benihime."

_What is it now?_

"If I sleep, will my hat come back?"

_...What type of stupid idea is that?_

"Maybe this is all a bad dream," Urahara said, and laid down, subconsciously pressing his right cheek against the grass. "Just...a bad dream..."

Benihime let out a sigh and didn't say anything.

Urahara lay sideways for a long time, trying to sleep but at the same time trying to stay awake. He wanted his hat to come back oh so desperately. But then again, if he fell asleep, there was no telling how he'd be woken up...

What a dilemma.

Thirty minutes later—or an eternity in Urahara's mind—his right cheek became incredibly sore from pressing against the ground. "I don't want to turn around," he murmured to himself. "I don't want to see what will come toward me from the sky..."

_For god's sake, it's not going to happen. Trust me just this once, okay?_ Benihime told her master.

"You sure?" Urahara replied, drowsily but hopefully.

_Yeah. Go on. Just turn._

"Okay...here goes..." Urahara inhaled sharply and rocked on his back to the left side, coating his jacket with dirt. But his eyes locked onto a dark, oval shape on the barrier, and he nearly screamed and shielded his head.

One second. Two seconds.

Nothing.

In an arduous slowness, Urahara moved his arms away from his eyes, one millimeter per second. He stared at the oval on the barrier. It didn't move. It didn't expand or come crashing down. It was just...there.

Urahara stood up and walked directly underneath the oval, into its shadow on the ground, and looked up, trying to identify what it was. Through the red ceiling, he couldn't determine the exact color of the object, but he could make out strips of alternating colors, one color being much lighter than the other. And...there seemed to be a smaller oval in the middle...big enough to fit...a head.

Then it hit him.


End file.
